Before it is too late

When we're reminded of how fragile life really is, it might be in our nature to refocus your attention on the big things. For me, recently, I've become more aware of the little things. The simple daily blessings that God pours out His love to us in, like the sunrise, the clouds, the trees swaying in the wind. Sometimes I am so "busy" in life that I miss it. God put so much beauty in this world he created. Even in the taste and textures of food or the sounds of birds or children laughing we can find His Hand. So much more I should appreciate while I still can! One day it will be too late. There is no maybe in that statement. It's a fact. One day I won't get to kiss my husband ever again. One day I won't get to hold my babies in my arms and love them up. There will be a day that comes where I am so consumed by the pain of a great loss that I will feel like I'm dying. But there will also come a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears.-Jeremy Camp
Then it really will be too late. Too late to tell someone how much they mean to me, how much I love them. Too late to share the gospel..
A day like today, where nothing is going on, nothing has me "busy" and I've just been home with my precious children - is a day I should hold tight to and cherish. They are rare. It's the little things that make up a life even if it is the big things that stand out. I must seize every moment.. before it is too late.

Free to Love

Pain is inevitable in this life. It is a broken world we live in and we will all have more than our fair share of pain that much is for certain. Take a step back and consider the bigger picture. Think of your life, your whole life, like you are 80 years old and looking back. Is what you're dealing with now even going to be remembered then? Will any of this even matter?

Perspective is so important when we face hard times. It's so easy to be consumed by the little things that are making life difficult for us in the present moment. Yet, what if I told you that tomorrow you would lose a loved one? How consumed would you be now? What really matters besides people, your relationships? Nothing. What really matters besides salvation? Nothing.

I know that you may feel hurt, betrayed, heartbroken at the moment, but still I tell you to let it go. Forgive. It's the only way. God has shown us how to forgive. He forgives you so that you may in turn, forgive others. Think of the things you've done, mistakes you've made, people you've hurt. How can you not forgive others for what's been done to you? Are you so much more important than anyone else on the planet? Is your pain so much greater?

Humans are so self-centered, so selfish, so thoughtless.. how can we not hurt one another from time to time? It's impossible not to. The important thing is to love deeply, and big and to let that love show! 

"Above all, love each other deeply, because Love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8 

"Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs." Prov 10:12

Holding on to your pain just makes you bitter and robs you of the JOY God intended you to have. Hold on instead to God's faithfulness. He is the true righteous judge and He will take care of all things. He is our vindicator. We are free to love without holding back. We are free to open our hearts, to be vulnerable, to give without thought of reciprocation. We don't have to keep score of the offenses against us. We don't have to worry about revenge! We are truly F R E E ! We should love that freedom! We don't need to worry about how others treat us! God releases us from all of that. What a gift!

Thank you Father, for the gift of forgiveness, mercy and grace. I pray that I would not hold grudges but instead free myself from pain by releasing it's hold on me. Thank you for giving me such freedom as you work things out to the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose. I know you are the one in control and I praise you for that! Amen

Pictures from Shannon

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Merry Christmas!

Tonight my lil Superhero listened carefully to me reading the Christmas story from my Bible. I could see the wheels turning in his head as he started asking the difficult questions. "Mom! Why is there some guy in a red suit goin' around everywhere! What does that have to do with Jesus being born?" I wish I had an easy answer for that one. I don't like fooling the kids with the whole Santa deal. I never have. I remember being excited for Christmas but it never had anything to do with Santa Claus. I was excited for the fun time with family and the traditions and of course, the FOOD! Ha! 

My son is much like me, a skeptic. He just frowned at my weak answer of -I don't really know when Santa came into the picture. I've always tried to keep the focus on our Savior rather than commercialism, but I also don't want to take away the innocence of their childhood. 

Tomorrow when they wake up, Santa will have visited our house and left goodies in their stockings, but nothing too good. I'm not about to let some fictional fat dude in a red suit get the credit for how hard I worked to make their Christmas special! The good gifts are always from family! I'll keep the spirit of Santa.. magical and mysterious, but I'm not letting that get in the way of what Christmas really means to us.

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 

"Glory to God in the Highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Merry Christmas and God bless!

FIve years of Friendship

The 5th Annual Ladiez Christmas Party was this weekend. My sister-in-law hosted it this year and it was just perfect. As usual, we had tons and tons of food, laughter & pictures!

We had decided to order everyone a pair of TOMS this Christmas for our gift exchange. Since many of us already had a pair of canvas ones, we bought glitters for the holidays.

So much has happened in the five years that we've been together. We've gained a few and lost a few. There have been some major life changes for many of us, and even some of the relationships within the group have changed.

But one thing that hasn't changed is we always have such a good time when we are together! 

DMAs

What a big milestone for my sweet 8 year old. Princess competed this weekend at Dance Master's of America. It's her first time to ever do a solo and I didn't know if she'd actually be able to do it or not. She can be so timid and nervous sometimes that I was secretly afraid that she might just run right off the stage (like some poor sweet little ones actually did.) I held my breath as she skipped out on the stage-too early. They'd sent her out before the girl had announced her. So she ran backwards off the stage and then came out again when they said her name. Poor girl. As her music started, my heart plummeted into my stomach where it stayed the entire performance. Every nervous glance to the sidelines and hesitation made me feel like I'd been punched in the stomach. I was so proud of her though. She never gave up. She kept smiling thru the whole thing and kept on dancin' even when she was unsure of what came next. She was disappointed afterwards. She kept saying she forgot a part. The whole thing was such a learning experience.. for both of us! Driving 5 1/2 hours away trying to work a friend's Tom Tom and read Yahoo Maps directions was extremely stressful, but I was glad to get some one on one time with my girl. We had a fun time together. I'll never forget it. I did make some notes on things to remember for next time.
1. Print a map of the route, return trip & around the town as well as driving directions to & from.
2. Bring snacks! I don't know how many times I wished I'd have thrown a granola bar or bag of chips in my bag.
3. TAKE THE DAY OFF - sub pay schmub pay, doesn't matter. It's too much to do in one day.
4. Check credit card's expiration date before leaving town, lol.
5. Buy a GPS
6. Go ahead and record performance using your phone. You won't get in trouble.
7. Have Princess practice in a large open area, preferably the studio every single day. Don't let her practice in the restricted space of the living room.
8. Find SOMEONE to go with you if at all possible.
9. Don't forget the cord to the laptop so it won't go dead on you and you can get some work done during the classes :P
10. She's not the only one who needs her sleep during this crazy time. GO TO BED EARLY! And GET SOME COFFEE every opportunity you have!

too much structure?

So the underlying theme for my conferences seemed to be how "structured" I am. Some even went as far as to refer to me as strict, HIGHLY structured, tough, or my personal favorite that required no words- a karate chop into their other hand repeatedly, lol. It didn't feel like a criticism or a compliment really. Though one parent claims to have requested me because of my reputation for pushing or not being easy on my students.
This all just leaves me wondering where they get this apparent observation.
As teachers, sometimes we don't realize how our facial expressions, body language, words, actions, notes, etc are interpreted.
I don't describe myself in general as structured, lol. In fact, if you were to ask my husband, friends, family, they'd probably laugh at that. I am better described as random, spontaneous, deeply feeling, and even scatterbrained at times. My colleagues, especially those closest to me, would probably tell you I'm the one most likely to forget to bring M&M's on the day I had scheduled to do M&M math! Ha! ;)
The point is, while I am dedicated to providing a structured environment at school because I feel it is most beneficial to students, I myself am not all that structured! I am very flexible, up for anything, easy going and mostly go by my instincts (my hubby calls that "flying by the seat of my pants" lol.) If I forget the M&M's, I jot it down for the week of Thanksgiving, tuck the papers away and jump right into an addition facts battle! If I see a teachable moment brought on by an unpredictable event or question, I run with it and save the planned lesson for later in the week.
Perhaps this "structured" comment is meant for my classroom discipline methods rather than academics. In that case, I still wonder. I don't send kids to the office. I don't send discipline notes home but very rarely. This is the first year I've ever even used a visual behavior method (chart where they move their clip down for infractions.) The most "punishment" I give is to miss 5 or 10 minutes of their recess. I focus on procedures rather than rules and feel that in most cases, a corrective glance is enough to redirect a student. Is this structured?
Maybe it's simply my class environment, where children are expected to stay in their seats unless they need a tissue or new pencil from my desk. Is it the raising their hand, asking permission, waiting their turn, inside voices, walking in the hall? Don't all teachers require the same? I wonder where I fall on the "structured" scale in comparison to my building, region, state, etc.
Is it a perception parents have gotten due to my newsletter, webpage, class discipline plan, conferences, comments and interactions. Do my students go home and raise their hand to ask permission to go use the bathroom? LOL!
I don't know, but I do know that parents are often wrong in their judgements of teachers. Boy do I know that. Just last week I had a lady criticizing a wonderful teacher who I admire & respect greatly by saying she was "grouchy and needs to retire already!" I told her I didn't know anyone who had more patience with kids and that I definitely disagreed with her on that one!
Perhaps I've come across as hard and not let my softer side show enough. Parents do seems surprised when I am praising their child in conferences and telling them how glad I am to have them. This kind of bothers me. I love my kids, always do, there is no exception to that rule. God does that. I pray for Him to do that for me. I pray everyday for God to help me see them through His eyes, see their needs, help me connect with them in a meaningful way that helps me make a difference. I pray that He make me a positive influence in their lives and makes me a better teacher beyond just (me) so that it be all to His Glory! If I'm going to do a job I feel called to do, I'm going to let Him equip me for it and not lean on my own understanding! I pray that He uses me how He sees fit even when it pushes me beyond what I feel I can handle. There are moments that I fiercely regret this prayer, LOL ;) but I know that He's in control so I have nothing to fear really. I also pray that parents see my heart and that He give me favor with them so that nothing stands in the way of our teamwork to their child's success.. but now I'm rambling.
Maybe "structured" isn't a good thing or a bad thing, but it's still subject to opinion if you ask me- as most judgements, comments, and criticisms are. I guess I'll just have to take it at face value and know that, with a grain of salt, it's always good to hear how you come across as a teacher.

Is today really a Monday?

I'm in a great mood today! No, I didn't really have a "great" day. A lot of the usual stressors and bumps in the road today could have me feeling down and frustrated, but for some reason I've taken it all in stride.. with a lil laughter. I have some fun things to look forward to, and I had a good weekend, but I think it's more than that. It's all about attitude. Or maybe hormones? LOL.. for whatever reason, I have perspective on my problems and difficulties of the moment. I have a peaceful, easygoing way about me that I've been missing these past weeks. I'm happy to say, my old self has returned and I'm fighting to keep it that way! Thank you, God, for my many blessings, for answering prayers.. and for helping me thru the hard stuff!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEPHEW #2!

My sweet Tater turned FIVE this weekend.. FIVE!?! No, that can't be right?! I just can't believe it! I remember the night of his birth and how I held him in my arms all night. I remember the Shanny-bounce and him falling asleep on my shoulder. I remember the hyperventilating from crying that scared my sister & I bad enough to take him to the ER, LOL! I remember when he fell in love with Thomas the Train and all the birthday surprises that made him squeal. Oh that special lil guy and his sharp witt. You never know what he's going to say! He's such a big boy now and I'm so proud of him!

I am also so very proud of my lil sis.. Betty Crocker herself.. she's an amazing mother!

Quality over Quantity

Instead of talking about what's bothering me and writing about feeling down, I've just deleted everything I wrote. I'm starting this blog entry over. I'm pushing the negative stuff away and focusing on blessings.
My husband said to me tonight that I may not be very well known or remembered by the thousands like some people, but what I do have is maybe better. I have real true relationships with the people in my life. I'm not outgoing so I don't strike up a conversation everywhere I go. I'm no good at small talk. I'm not the type that would make a friend from a stranger in a store. I am more reserved, shy you could say.. unless you get to know me.. then you would laugh at me for calling myself shy! Ha! ;)
I love people. I love all the quirks and personality traits that make each person unique. I love people who make me laugh, who are my opposite.. outgoing and love to be the center of attention. I love the quiet dependable types who are good listeners. I love the wise ones who never have a bad thing to say about anybody. I just love being surrounded by people who are kind and caring or who make you feel like they've really got your back.
I don't know everyone in this town, it's true. But the ones I do know, I love with all my heart. And the ones that know me.. are like family to me, blood, there's nothing I wouldn't do for them. I'm loyal to the core because it really means something to me to be a friend, to actually get to know someone, to let someone into your life. I invest in others and I give pieces of myself to them. Instead of being spread out over lots of people, I am giving more of myself to fewer people. You could call it quality over quantity I guess. I give so much of myself at school each day, and then at home, that it's probably good that I don't have too many people to keep up with, lol. I think I'll continue this way. Instead of seeking out new people and trying to be known by everyone, I'll just keep pouring my time & energy into the amazing people that God has blessed my life with. They deserve my best.. and besides there's no one I'd rather give myself to.

Rewarded

Sometimes you just have to take your personal victory and run with it. Perception is everything. If you conquered something major and it was big even tho no one seems to have noticed, you can't let that steal the victory from you. It is yours. God gave you the power to accomplish that! You can't let people belittle what you know to be right. God saw everything. He gave you the strength, the patience, the grace to get thru it. He saw your faithfulness. It is in Him that your sense of accomplishment should lie. If you did it all to His Glory then why does recognition even matter anyway? It doesn't!
What happens after your role has been played shouldn't affect you. You did your part, now let it go. So what if you had it hard and others don't even acknowledge it. You have labored without being praised for it. Doesn't it say in the Bible that if you are seen & praised then you have received your reward in full? I'd definitely rather have what God gives than man!

Matthew 6:4 NIV
so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you

Colossians 3:24 NIV
since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving

Jeremiah 17:10 NIV
“I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.”

Matthew 6:1 NIV

“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

"I did not run or labor for nothing." Phil 2:16
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people," Gal 6:9-10
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corin 12:8-10
"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matt 6:20-21

Just a Dream

I had a dream the other night that I was dying. I don't remember many details, just that I was growing weaker each day and that I had limited time left. It was a deep and emotional dream. I had little get-togethers with different groups of people to say my goodbyes. I had so much I needed to say and do before I'd be ready. I gathered all my girls around me, telling them that I would depend on them to take care of my grieving family. I explained how I wanted the funeral to be and they each volunteered different things to take care of the arrangements. It was very formal, very business. I was not afraid, but I was hurting over the thought of motherless children. My sub-conscious must've been unable to grasp that kind of sadness because it didn't dwell on that long. It was eye-opening really. I had so many people I desired final words with.. some I hadn't spoken to in a really long time. My heart goes back to "If I had only known." I think in my dream I was happy and at peace to have the time to say my goodbyes to every single person in my life. There would not be another one of them taken from me too soon or suddenly. I know, most likely that I will not be so lucky in reality. I can only hope that I've done or said enough now to show how I feel. So many people.. I must be sure not to waste any opportunity.

Remembering.. and the Regret

Today was my best buddy's birthday. He's laid back, not much for show, just likes to hang out & have a good time. Still I should have done more for him. See I'm just a silly teenager & I don't know yet that the majority of people in this world are too busy and self absorbed and don't really have time for you or what's going on in your life. I have yet to learn how quick people can disappear. I don't see how rare this down-to-earth, selflessly caring, genuine person really is. I don't see that him always being there for me is a thing I shouldn't take for granted. I don't realize how short our time is.. not yet.
And so I laugh with him and talk with him and lean on him when I'm hurting. I let everything be all about me. I let him just drive me around when I'm bawling like a baby over my heart being broken. He comes over and we play hours of Mario Kart until it's late at night and his parent are calling just to make sure he's still here. He smiles and doesn't correct my Grandma when she calls him the wrong name repeatedly asking him to pass the potatoes. :) He's just too kind for that. Oh, the days we drive around this small town in his truck, talking, listening to music, laughing.. so young, so naive, so free though we don't really know it. He pushes me to reconcile with our other friend which I end up being so grateful for.Then it's movies and it's prom and it's graduation. And as time goes by, things start changing. He visits me at college. He rushes me to the hospital when my new friend gets hurt. He is a rock, as always. I return for his graduation. I remember him coming up in the stands to give "his girls" a rose. I remember hugging him and wiping away tears as I beamed over being cared about that much. I remember his sweet thank you note for the graduation gift I'd given him- how he thanked me for being such a good friend. I remember the "committee"! LOL and the memories I have of that crazy time in my life. And then.. I don't like to remember what came next.
Time went by with us in separate places, life moving forward, marriages, babies.. it wasn't long. I'll never forget that day. I was in Wal-Mart with my brand new baby girl. My mom called. She said I'd better sit down.. And I remember feeling so helpless, so far away from what was happening. And our friend calling to update me on his condition. I remember that long drive back to that town then, to say goodbye to my buddy and nothing feeling the same. I remember gripping my sleeping baby and leaning on my Dad's arm as I stood there in shock as it all played out before me. I remember when the regret & remorse hit me and I couldn't stop the tears. I remember a large crowd of faces and how I shook with sobs, in public! So unlike me to show such emotion in front of so many people, but I couldn't stop it. I had taken his friendship for granted. The realization of that cut me deep. I wondered if I had ever hurt him. I wondered if he knew how very much I actually cared about him. I wondered if he knew how much he had done for me. The drive back home was hard. I was left alone with my thoughts and an emptiness.
As the years have gone by I've learned how extremely rare his friendship was. I have become a person with her heart on her sleeve. I sometimes get so overwhelmed with my love & appreciation for the people in my life and HAVE to tell them what they mean to me. I've put my friends high up in my priorities in life and truly value the time we spend together. If only I could go back and be this way with him. But it's too late for that. He's gone.. and on his birthday, that regret comes to pay me a visit.. because I should have done something more. I wish I'd have been a better friend.. the kind of friend he always was to me.

Don't lose Heart

Isn't it Friday yet? I really thought it was. Here it is a short week and I still feel like it's the longest week ever. I know I should not be 'living for the weekends' but I find myself looking forward to the next "thing" coming up with family, friends, celebrations, holidays, anything besides the day to day. I guess when things are just hard, you do what you can to get thru, right? I don't like that. I know that if I had a loved one with a life threatening disease or something I'd feel differently about my precious time. I rush it right now, certainly not being a good steward of the gift of time. Then I mope or drag thru family things at home and wish I'd had more energy to do the things with my kids that I want to do. I feel like I sacrifice so much for this job, and my family does too.. and for what? FOR WHAT?? A measly paycheck? Of course not, but really I can't help but think -where does it get me?
I get to thinking about the bigger picture and what really matters and I wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing after all. I mean, if I'm less of a wife or mother how can that be what God wants for my life? I know I'm only a teacher because I felt God led me to be one, but did He intend the cost? Or am I just slacking? I've seen how He gives me the tools needed for the job, but I pour so much of myself out during the day that I feel like I have nothing left to give when I get home. My patience is gone, my nerves are shot, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted and I just want to SIT DOWN more than anything else in the whole world. The Firefighter tries to pick up my slack, which I am so grateful for, but this "zombie" version of me annoys even me! Every year it's the same thing, my doctor always wants to do a mono check because he's so sure that's what's wrong with me when I come in after school.
I continue to pray about it. Right now I feel like that's where He wants me to be. And I know that He's the one who puts these kids in my life. I will keep giving all I can to finding what each one needs and following God's will. I know He will continue to use me as long as I can keep my heart open. It is, after all, He who I am serving.. and His rewards are great :) for those who do not give up, for those who do not lose heart.

Rainy days bring headaches

Inside recess with 24 kids in a small confined area and a sad little group of worn out puzzles, play-doh, games & lincoln logs.
Rain, thunder & lightening outside of a huge window in the classroom offering a great, tho un-needed, distraction to students who can barely focus for a few minutes anyway.
Waiting in short-sleeves & capris in the cold with about 100 kids under a metal roof with crazy thunder causing high-pitched screaming and the occasional pre-Ker sent to our side to cry hysterically until the lightening & hail sent us back in the building.
Last but not least, loading kids in cars for about 30 minutes getting completely drenched in the process. My Toms got a great bath.

Ping-pong size hail

Oh the drama..
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Because I'm excited to see these gorgeous faces tonight!

Minor Triumph.. Major Reward

Today was a miracle. 

Today was a triumph. 

Today I felt like "more than a conqueror!"

Romans 8:37 

No, in all these things we are more than [1 Cor 15:57; John 16:33 ] conquerors through [Gal 2:20; Eph 5:2; Rev 1:5; 3:9] him who loved us!

I wasn't expecting it. I was dreading the challenge. I prayed about it so much and finally decided to believe for God's perfect wisdom and that He would give me the tools to do the job He's called me to do. When faced with fear, uncertainty, doubt, dread, and especially when under attack it's so important to surrender to God's leading. Where I am weak, He makes me strong. I know I can do ALL THINGS thru Christ Jesus, my Savior and Lord! 

It's funny how I am always at my lowest when He comes thru. When I am feeling overwhelmed and defeated, that's when I let go and let God take control the best. What's the saying.. something about realizing as you're on your knees that you're in the best position to PRAY! Well that's where I was.

Yesterday I did that little FB app "On this day, God wants you to know.. 

.. that how bad things may look right now means nothing, - it's how good they can be with God's help that counts. In life you can absolutely count on one thing, - everything can turn around in one day, in one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up, - you might be a moment away from a windfall."

Reading that on my screen took my breath away. What timing! A coincidence? I don't think so! Now, I'm not saying that God always talks to us in this way, but I absolutely know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He's reached me in this way before. And it has even more meaning for me now knowing that I was one day away from my victory!

I cannot believe how easily and completely it came. I went with God's leading and let go of the anxiety that I battle constantly and was simply amazed at the results.

Today, as I marvel at my Maker and His perfect timing and grace, I have this final word that the app gave me as my "message from God" today..

"On this day, God wants you to know ... that if you relax, it comes. Don't seek, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, God shows you the way."

Happy Birthday Noah Bear!

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sirens

I hear sirens.. fire trucks being sent out to another grass fire.. it's been crazy the past two days.. my hubby has been out on one for a long time and must be so tired and hungry. The scanner has gotten quiet finally.. I know I should go to bed, I have to get up in a few hours for school.. but how can I sleep with all those sirens going off? Suddenly I realize that the sirens I'm hearing aren't there at all, they're only in my head. I wish knowing that would make them stop. I close my eyes and and try to push them away searching for the silence I should hear in the quiet of the night. I pray the Lord's protection over the firefighters & peace for their families.. a restful sleep to all. Amen & Goodnight.

My 7 year old

My baby boy is 7 today. 7.. 7... 7.. 7 years old!?!?!?! Those words are hard to form in my mouth. This morning I've attempted to put on makeup with tears streaming down my face. Funny how the little things hit you sometimes. I know he just started 1st grade & all, but it's the saying he's 7.. part that seems to have gotten me. He was just a baby, my sweet baby boy.. and then he wasn't. Suddenly he's this tall, long legged, big footed, hungry whirlwind of energy that doesn't want to stop long enough to give Mom a proper hug. Oh, Lord, prepare me for the letting go part of parenthood.. it's going to be even harder than I thought.

Being a teacher..

Being a teacher inspires me to push myself beyond what I think my limitations are. I am always amazed when a challenge presents itself and then it is gone. How did I get thru that I wonder? God is my clear answer. I pray every morning that He will prepare me for any challenge that comes my way, that he would give me the tools to do the job He's called me to do. The teaching field is the place where caring so much for people is a good thing. I see why God gave me a heart bursting with love for people and so sensitive to hurt and pain. In the adult world it feels almost like a weakness of mine. But here, among His dear children I see where I belong. I see my purpose.
Being a teacher makes me a better person, it makes me stronger, tougher, more compassionate and less critical, less quick to judge. It leads me to show affection, appreciation, and thankfulness. It helps me see the bigger picture and stress less over small details. It forces me to be more flexible, caring, and passionate about what really matters. Teaching pushes me to lean on God more and myself less. It guides me to seek Him in the morning before a choice has been made. It means I smile more, even if sometimes it's forced, smiling makes you feel better whether you want it to or not. :) Being a teacher shoves me outside of my comfort zone and makes me more outgoing when I would normally be a shy, timid thing. I am more grateful for every blessing as well as more aware of them. Yes, life is more complicated, and definitely more stressful during the school year, but I have a purpose, a goal, a passion to work toward. I feel I have a bigger place in this world with such immense responsibility as caring for God's children, and guiding our future generation! It is easy to see that I work for God and not for man! He is the one I am serving when I serve others.
So while I am sad to see summer go, I am excited to see what amazing things God has in store for me this time and know that I will be changed by what comes my way. I pray that He'll help me to face challenges head on and be a blessing to those around me.

First day of school

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3rd & 1st graders?!? How can that be right? My thoughts take me back to a 3 and 1 year old, best friends, side by side and all the wonderful time I got to spend with them as a stay-at-home mom. Oh how I miss those simpler days. It was a precious gift from God that I had that glorious time with my babies. Each day much like the one before it, cleaning, cooking, and playing.. waiting for Daddy to come home. I remember lots of laughter and silliness. Thank you God for my family! Being a mother is the greatest thing on earth!

9 years and counting

I received flowers up at the school today during our meeting. :) So sweet of him. When we got married, it was planned to be just before school started back up. I was in college and he had work to get back to. Now, every year I frown when I look at the calendar and see that our anniversary is overshadowed by so many other things. It's always such a crazy time! We did get to go visit my sister & her fam in the city this past weekend. She kept the kids so we could go to dinner together. We went to Shoguns and it was awesome. Just a reminder of what I know everyday to be true.. God blessed me by bringing this man into my life. I am so thankful for him. Next year we plan to celebrate our 10 year in a bigger, more exotic & tropical way! :) I can't wait!

Our 9 year wedding anniversary!

Lead Me (Acoustic - with lyrics) by Sanctus Real

Who Cares?

I need to know how to care less.

By nature I am a person who is too loyal and treasures the people in my life as the only thing that matters on this earth. This is all well & good if I could just accept that not everyone is like that and I shouldn't take it personally. I get hurt a little too easily and it's the most frustrating thing ever! Why do I have to care so much?!

I sometimes wish I could just stop caring altogether, but I know that's not really what I want. So I really just need to know how to care LESS. Like how to love a person but not really show it all the time. How to not want to know what's going on with them & not even talk to them very often. How to not feel threatened or jealous of their time or priorities and not get upset over things.

Maybe I could be more critical to them so they'd think maybe I don't really like them all that much and then just kinda ignore them in public so they wouldn't feel so secure in our relationship. Now that sounds like some manipulations & games that I'm in no way capable of..

I guess I don't really know the solution. I just find myself wishing I was the person on the other side of this equation 99% of the time. For once can't I be the boots instead of the doormat? I think the guilt I'd have over that totally wouldn't be worth it. *sigh* See I really do care too much.

Maybe if I can pretend to care less enough it'll actually happen? I just hope that doesn't lead me to not caring at all.. even tho it would be a welcome change at this point.

A special Song

Princess has chosen a song for her dance solo.. it's by Whisper Loud! I was so touched when she called her Aunt to tell her that she'd be dancing to one of her songs! So very special.. when she was looking at the cd cover she just couldn't believe that was her, lol, but she loved the music. I can't wait for the dance recital!

little piece of paper

Not sure when I wrote this.. it was just scribbled down on a piece of paper, folded and stuck in a book..

Memories of you today filled my head, thoughts of times I'd rather not relive. But to go back to those moments, those insignificant moments that meant everything and change just one.. just one small detail.. that would change what happened, that would change my memories.. I'd do it..

What really mattered was hidden to me, blinded by what I could not see.. falling into you I lost myself, tried to be just like everyone else.. lost in a world I could not understand.. all along I knew - just knew - this is not where I belonged..

Now looking back at mistakes and all the pain, the words that were said and the fear that remained, I know I can move on.. as I should have all along.. it's time for a change.

To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward. ~Margaret Fairless Barber, The Roadmender

Schoooooools OUT for sum-mer!

SING IT WITH ME NOW! That's right - SCHOOL IS OUT!!!! Don't call me teacher, just call me a mommy!!!

It has now been a full week since the last day of school and I'm starting to feel more relaxed and less anxious. I know that all my stuff is in boxes, being moved today I'm told, but I'm not sweating it. It will all be ready in August or it won't. Nothing I can do about it so why stress, right? Right!

So far, we've had a big schindig out at the in-laws, visited my sis in OKC, and I've gone to see SATC 2 with my girly-friends.. a good start to the summer if you ask me.

Things are speeding up soon as I look at the June calendar. Hubby leaves on a rafting trip in Colorado tomorrow so we'll be loading up and going back to the city to spend time with my sister & nephews while our men are gone. Then we have a bday party to get back for on Saturday. VBS starts Sunday and I'm teaching the 1st grade with a friend. Storytime at the library has also begun so we have that Tues & Wed for the next month or so, of course karate on Mon & Weds as always and Princess' solo practice sessions begin the next week. We also have the Robertson Reunion to look forward to.

We don't have any big vacation plans this year since I got to go to Vegas! w/ the ladiez and he's going white water rafting with the guys. We hope to take the kids back to Great Wolf Lodge at some point tho. I know we'll have lake trips with his parents, lazy days at the waterpark, and visits to family this summer. It will go by too fast. It always does. Then August will come out of nowhere and I'll be unpacking into my new classroom. I'm so excited to see what the next year holds!

So much to squeeze into a short 2 months, I don't know how it got booked up so fast. Plus I have a long to-do list, trying to get caught up, feeling like the summer is the only time I can really get anything accomplished.. where to even begin???

But for now... I think I'll tap a nap.. ;) HA! I could if I wanted to, just knowing that makes me smile! It's summertime alright.. sweet, sweet summa-time!

My little ballerina

I've been playing with iMovie on my new MacBook and of course the first thing I want to make a movie of is my little dancing princess. Her dance recital was my birthday/Mother's Day weekend again and it was chaotic as usual. I was amazed at how grown up my little girl looked up on that stage. This one was my favorite.

When her three dance routines were over and the finale had begun, I decided to keep recording thru the awards part so that I could get an idea of how well Diva had done that year. Princess is starting on

a solo in a few weeks and is going to compete for the first time. Right as I was about to stop filming, they announced that she had won the scholarship! I was so surprised! All the family kept looking at me with big eyes, asking if I'd known she was getting that. I really didn't and Princess wasn't even sure what it meant when she came out to us. I am so proud of my little girl.

Superhero was just waking up from his Daddy's lap when she came out so he had a grumpy face in the pictures, lol.

The one on the left is this year. The one on the right is last year. Look how much taller my little ones are now.

After my sister curled her hair in ringlets & we sprayed half a bottle of hairspray on it, she's decided she wants to cut it all off now, lol. She wants the Selena Gomez look she says.

My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was less competition there. ~Indira Gandhi

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. ~Doug Larson

We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions. ~Ian Percy

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress. ~Joseph Joubert

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is the lightning that does the work. ~Mark Twain

Presence is more than just being there. ~Malcolm S. Forbes, The Further Sayings of Chairman Malcolm

There are always three sides to every story: your side, the other side, and the truth. ~Author Unknown

Ferman

Reading thru my recent posts I see a trend.. a heavy heart. I'm dealing the best I can with things right now, and just need grace from the people in my life to let me have time to find my way back to my usual happy-go-lucky, positive self. Spending this weekend with my children, my sister & my sweet nephews has certainly helped. We laughed about a little song that Superhero used to sing all the time. He made it up himself and used his fingers to make a little man dancing while he sang it. Since it brought a smile to me, I thought I'd post it so I'll never forget it. There were many other verses but this one is the one that sticks out in my mind.

"Ferman"

My name is Ferman,

I like to dance.

My name is Ferman,

I wear pants.

(lots of giggling)

My name is Ferman,

I drink juuuuice.

My name is Ferman,

There's no excuse.

Pathetic?

What's pathetic.. a full grown adult talking to a child in a way they'd never talk to another adult.. not being able to find enough patience to withstand the laughter of children.. a 20 minute time-out for a 6 year old. Pathetic is criticizing the work of a young child by using the word "pathetic."

just breathing

I've been told to "just breathe" a lot lately. Maybe it's because I'm not handling things real well right now. I know that each individual thing, if it had happened any month besides this one, I could have taken it in stride. But when things have started piling up and it's another stressor added to the list, I find it more difficult to handle with a smile on my face. I know that breathing is important. You have to take a deep breath and put things into perspective. Don't overreact or get emotional. God will never give you more than you can handle even if it doesn't feel like that at the time. It's easy for someone else to stand there and tell you to "breathe" when it's not their life. So simple for them to remind you to stay positive.
I was thinking just this when I checked my facebook and saw the link for "your message from God" app. It has given me a timely response before, but never like this. Reading this gave me goose bumps.. it said..

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that when you are feeling anxious, remember to breathe. Allow yourself to breathe in and out slowly. Allow your breath to bring you to a place of calmness. Allow yourself to be calm like the eye in the center of the storm.

I'm definitely feeling like I'm caught in a storm right now. Guess it's time to find the calm. Sometimes "just breathing" is all you can do.

When it feels like it's all falling apart

Some days your world just seems to crumble. Sometimes all the little things you are holding in the air at once, juggling your tasks, emotions, and responsiblities, just have to fall. Like when you find yourself sick with no time to go to the doctor and your to-do list just keeps getting longer and someone has mistreated your children and your DVR quits working so you're missing your favorite shows, and your boss drops a BOMB like saying your classroom has to be completely boxed up before you check out in May, and you just want to go see your sister & nephews but you know you have too much to do and it makes you sick because you miss them so bad, and anxious thoughts have overtaken your mind robbing you of peace you know you should have in Jesus, and you're running in a hundred different directions not feeling like you're making a difference in any area, and your house is a wreck no matter how much you clean it, and you don't have time to do your own laundry because there's always others' to do, and you're run down feeling like your body just won't move as fast as you will it to, and you're spending so much time at work that you feel guilty for the lack of time with your kids, and the stress is showing, physically, so that now you stress about your appearance, and you're so close to tears that the slightest criticism could break you, and you've forgotten about picture day, snack day, or simply that you need to pick up your child before you go home and this guilt starts to nag away at you piling up on top of the critical things you say to yourself...

Sometimes all you can do is STOP trying to hold it all together and just let go.. and let God.

I have to remind myself of that whenever one thing goes wrong after another and life seems to be too much for me to handle. I can't manage my life on my own, I'll fail everytime. It's only by God's Grace that I can make it in this fallen, lonely, corrupt world. I don't know HOW I'm going to get thru some of this stuff, but I do know WHO is going to get me thru it.. and that's my Savior. That's all I really need to know. He is my blessed assurance, my peace, my breath of life.. so when I find it too hard to breathe, I know.. I just need more of Him.

Hurt Feelings

I'm so mad right now as I'm typing with tears streaming down my face. The hurt that I just experienced surrounding my little girl is almost more than I can bear. This is the hardest part of being a mother-knowing your precious angel has been damaged in some way and there's nothing you can do about it. When someone who your little one is supposed to be able to trust is hateful and thoughtless to them, they are crushed. My Princess has endured this pretty well and I've tried to explain that some people are just cranky or snotty sometimes and that they don't really mean to hurt us. Today though, she'd had her fill and she broke down. She fought to hold back her tears and just explained things to me calmly and then she said the saddest little words I've ever heard "I don't know what, Momma, but it kinda hurt my feelings." After saying that, the waterfall began. It was clear that by "kinda" she meant "really-but I'm trying to be tough about it." I let her cry as she recalled to me the glares, snide comments, sarcastic remarks, hateful words and tone of voice that had been bothering her but she'd not talked about until now. Most of it she didn't really understand, and she seemed confused about. We talked more before bed and she stressed over it like no 8 year old should ever have to. I said the prayer tonight and we prayed thanking God for all the people in her life who love her, especially Jesus. We also prayed for those who had hurt her.

With her Daddy out on fires, I'm dealing with this one alone. When we prayed for him & all the firefighters tonight, Superhero started crying. He was obviously feeling our stress because he dug out old stuffed animals from his Nana & Pappy saying it was close to his dad. Talking to Dad on the phone tonight was almost too much. I tucked both my babies into bed tonight wiping away tears and holding back my own. Being a mom is so hard sometimes. When your children are hurting, your heart just aches for them. God gives us the desire to protect them knowing we can't actually do it. It's such a conflict within us. I imagine God feels the same way about us.. His children. So I'm praying tonight for wisdom to know how to deal with all this, peace from knowing that He is taking care of my children when I am not there, and patience for ALL the children in my life.. because I hope I NEVER make a child feel the way mine did tonight.

What's an egg hunt w/out a 4-wheeler?

This was an Easter to remember! I'm so thankful for my in-laws and all the thought & work they put in to making Easter special for the kids. We had a scavenger hunt with clues inside of plastic eggs that were hidden all over the family land. Superhero & I teamed up, Princess with her Daddy and my b-i-l & s-i-l took their 4 yr old with them. We recieved our first clue and the game began! We ran out to our 4-wheelers and took off to the shop! As we read the little poems inside the eggs together, Superhero would breathlessly point out words he knew and squeal when he understood where we were going next. He bailed off the 4-wheeler and sprinted to find the next egg. If he saw a member of another team off in the distance he would jump up and down and yell "hurry Momma, they're gainin' on us!" His excitement made it an experience I'll never forget. By the time we had clue #10 and had made it back to the house to find the grand prize, I just knew this would be a new tradition in our family. The kids had a blast.. and so did the adults!

Monday's blessings

Monday. It's Monday again. Why is it Mondays are so... challenging?

Lucky for me, I have the bedtime routine with my sweet angels. No matter how manic my Monday is or how bad any day is, I have this to look forward to.

Princess is reading a Charlie and Lola book to her brother in her best Brittish accent and he is loving every minute. I don't understand how parents don't read with their kids anymore. Such precious moments they are missing out on. (Nevermind that children who learn to love reading do way better in school than those that don't.) After she finishes, Superhero picks up his little kindergarten phonics reader and takes his turn with his big sister praising and encouraging every word so much that he tells her to please be quiet! Lol. The last part is my favorite. Now its time for our bedtime prayers. :)

Superhero is always praying for others. His prayers go something like this:

Dear God, thank you for the food and this fine daaaay.. thank you for my family and my Ben 10s and my Legos.. I pray for Dadda, Momma, Al-weee, Jessi, Gabe, Jaxon and Jett.. Tony, Tessa, Beau and Noah, Pappy and Nannnnn.. Papa and Memaaaaaa.. Joce-awyn, Chelsy, TJ and Jesse.. Bay-we and Jackson and Ashley.. Megan, Josh, Jaidyn and Jakobi.. (uhhhh, Momma who'd I forget?) oh, Blake and my teachers and for Parker's family and Spencer's tonsils and... uhhh Amen!

Princess' prayers are more focused on herself and her little world:

Dear Lord, thank you for this day and all you give to us. I pray for Nana's knee to be all better, and for me to do good on my spelling test and on my rocket math and help me to be the kind person you want me to be.. help my sweet crazy brother not to be bothering me and help all those sick people and help them to be the kind person you want them to be.. thank you for my family.. for Jessi, Gabe, baby Jett and baby Noah, Jaxon, Beau and Tony and Tessa and Pappy and Nana and Papa and Memaaaa.. and for forgiving us. Amen.

Sometimes I think they are better at it than me. Thank you God for my little angels and the way they remind me of the simple and purest way to pray.. from the heart.