Wednesday, April 13, 2011

get out of the Judge's chair!

James 5:9 ESV
Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door.

People don't get it. The whole - chronic pain thing - they don't get it. They are skeptical and critical and judgmental. People. Whoever they may be.

I notice it more now. When someone says in a sarcastic tone "oh, she said she wasn't feeling well again.." or "his ______ must be bothering him today." So quick to condemn that which we do not understand or have not experienced ourselves.

How dare we? Who are we to judge someone else's pain, trials, tolerance, struggles? If you haven't actually been in someone's shoes how can you be so quick to "know it all" ??? You can't. We are all different. We all have different past experiences, chemical makeups, quirks, personalities, brains, souls, purposes.. get my point here? Isn't it better just to be more empathetic and understanding and supportive? Leave the judging to God! He's the only one that sees a person's heart and true intentions! The way WE perceive something is more about US than THEM anyway! And, listen closey now, It's really NOT about YOU! GET OVER YOURSELF already and be more tolerant of people's differences.

There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

We're so afraid of being deceived. So scared of looking naive in case we might be taken advantage of. I'd rather let God be my vindicator than have to rely on myself to keep things "fair." So what if you get shorted this time? Leave it to karma! Besides, you win when you don't let selfish people steal your joy! You get to be happy instead!

And while we're on the topic. Stop judging people for not being in the same place as you at the same time. What feels right to you at the moment is probably a different picture of what used to be right in your world. That doesn't make them wrong. Let people enjoy their own journey in their own present moment. No need to make anyone feel bad for what stage of life they are in.

Just because someone isn't on the same road as you doesn't mean they've taken a wrong turn.


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Someone I trust more than anything..

Someone I'm always guaranteed to have a good time with.. no matter what we're doing..
One of my
One of my Ladiez..
 One of my dearest friends..
 Who'd have known that marrying the love of my life would come with the added bonus of a best friend as amazing as you! Happy Birthday to my fabulous sister-in-law!! So glad I get to have you in my life!


Monday, April 4, 2011


Not sure at what point this became a blog about tmj, but I believe I've run off any followers because it has, lol. No one likes to read complaining and negativity, I know, so can't say I blame you!
Tonight I am feeling very over-medicated and I hate that! I am eager to get my ibuprofen renewed because it doesn't make me feel like this. Talking to the dr office today got me a stern lecture about how, in my case, it's very important that I keep a splint in 24/7. We are trying to keep the disc from slipping back out she said and suggested that I brush my top teeth while wearing my lower/daytime splint and then keep my mouth open while switching to the upper/nighttime splint to brush my lower teeth. Wow. She said if I were to close my mouth and swallow without wearing one of the splints, I run the risk of the joint dislocating again and being back to square one with the loud painful popping when I open my mouth. I remember what happens then.. I drive 2 hrs down there to have him FORCE my jaw open.. OUCH! Yeah, I remember that all too well. So much for the cheating.
So now I am back to soup and smoothies I guess. They recommend a soft food diet for at least the first 6 weeks. I'm like DUH. Because it's impossible to eat anything that you have to really chew with this appliance in.
They want me taking the ibuprofen 3 times a day now and the muscle relaxer at night. This is on top of the several vitamin supplements they gave me to take twice a day. This is a real pain for me because I HATE taking pills. I'm no good at it. Oh and let's not forget the anxiety control one they want me taking 4 times a day. UGH!
Well guess I'm done venting. Halfway thru this I got up to go get the Superhero from karate and had to run to make it to the bathroom before I started throwing up. Yay. This made me late of course. He spent the whole ride home telling me how much he hates being the last one picked up and how I promised I would be there early. :(
No matter what I've said before, THIS is the hardest part of it all.. the letting my kids down. They can't understand that mommy is just hurting and stressed out by the end of the day and doesn't mean to be so short with them. They can't understand my meds making me loopy or nauseated. They can't understand the headaches, the need to lay on the couch with my heating pad, the stinginess with the soup & the Boost. All they know is Momma isn't much fun these days. It breaks my heart to be less than the mom they deserve. I stress over that a lot. All I can do is cling to the promise that God is in control here and trust He's taking care of things. I saw this quote on facebook today and it really hit home for me so I'm gonna close with it.
 When a train goes thru a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. ~Corrie Ten Boom


Sunday, April 3, 2011


A long miserably hard week meant a Saturday curled up on the couch w/ my heating pad. I had so much I needed to do but I couldn't get up and go do it. I knew I'd be behind on Sunday now, but figured I'd squeeze it all in somehow and slept most of the day away.
Sat evening was a friend's birthday dinner and the Firefighter was convinced there was no way I would make it there. I had taken my pain meds but they weren't helping much as usual so I decided to go ahead and take the nighttime meds early. This allowed me to drag myself to dinner and nibbled on an enchilada with my splint sitting in my purse. I enjoyed my friends company and I'm glad I went, but man I couldn't wait to get laid back down on the couch again. I went to bed not long after I got home.
Sunday I slept til 9 and barely managed to get me & the kids to church on time. The service lasted longer than usual and by the time I got out of there it was 12:30. We ran home to change then darted in a store to get a bday gift for a friend's little girl and attempt to get the Diva's basketball shoes with no luck on her size. We stopped by Sonic to grab some lunch on the run and by then it was 1:30. There was no way we'd make the birthday party now and basketball practice started at 2. I texted my friend to say sorry we wouldn't make it and headed to the gym. Me & the kids ate our lunch quickly in the car and then it was basketball time.
Two hours later here I am back on my heating pad on the couch with a horrible headache and a lot of guilt. I'm so frustrated by the limitations on my energy level. I just want my life back, as normal, but I know that's a waste of wishes right now. Adjustment period-that's what they call it-just a few months they say.. what they really mean is changing your life takes some getting used to. Well I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to have to limit myself or choose only one thing when I'm so used to figuring out a way to DO IT ALL. I don't want to let anyone down. I want to be there for everyone. Knowing I can't makes me want to throw a big toddler screaming & crying fit!
Right now I should be in Wal-mart buying groceries and things we need for the next two weeks or so. Since I can't make myself do that, I won't have any soft foods to take to school for lunch and I have cafeteria duty this week too. It's so depressing to think of how hard it is to get caught back up once you've fallen behind. And if there's less you can manage each day.. so you just keep letting things pile up, how will you ever get your head above water again? I know I'm going to have to start just saying NO to things, to people and I dread it, but what else can I do?
This isn't a good picture, but it shows my proud
accomplishment of making it to B's birthday dinner with
my ladiez. I may have been overly medicated and
not all myself, but I was there and that's what counts.
Time to accept things the way they are.. as different than the way they were and make the best of it. No more complaining. It is what it is.. right :)


Saturday, April 2, 2011

So I'm not very good at 'suffering in silence'

Gonna allow myself a little venting so feel free to skip this one if you can't handle it. IT'S MY BLOG & I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO!
I have now added mouth sores to my list of what ails me. These stupid splints have my gums swollen so bad that when I pop it in I get this burst of fresh intense pain that makes me feel like I could pass out for a split second. Then I fight the urge to rip it back out of my mouth all day long. I've attempted eating with it in and just ended up crying over it. Pathetic. I know it takes awhile to get used to, but I was a stay-at-home mom the last time I went thru this. Now I have to eat lunch on the run at school while doing a hundred other things and it's so not working out for me. I'm depressed, I admit it. The constant chronic pain of my neck, back, shoulder and not to mention my JAW and FACE and HEAD are wearing me down. When will I get relief? My prayers have been spent asking for strength and patience to withstand but I think I'm going to have to start praying now for my sanity. I need to start praying that the people in my life don't lose their patience with me. I need to pray that they'll love me anyway, despite my being down and not give up on me. After all, what is that quote -"..but if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best!"
Not sure I can profess that so boldly. I feel like everyone should probably flee from me though I long deeply for them not to. The Firefighter said "there's like this dark cloud around you." Nice. All I can say is I'm trying. I don't want to be dealing with this. I don't want to feel this way. I'm just trying to take one day at a time and not feel completely overwhelmed.
The worst is feeling like I'm failing as a witness. I know my God is bigger than this. I know my God will never let me down. I know my present suffering is nothing compared to the glory to come. I know these things.. but am I sharing that message with my attitude? No. Am I leading others to his everlasting love by being so easily defeated? Of course not. This guilt just piles on top of everything else right now though. Lord, forgive me. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought my faith was stronger than this. I surrender to your will, God, I know I'm always in your loving arms and that IS enough for me.


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