By nature I am a person who is too loyal and treasures the people in my life as the only thing that matters on this earth. This is all well & good if I could just accept that not everyone is like that and I shouldn't take it personally. I get hurt a little too easily and it's the most frustrating thing ever! Why do I have to care so much?!
I sometimes wish I could just stop caring altogether, but I know that's not really what I want. So I really just need to know how to care LESS. Like how to love a person but not really show it all the time. How to not want to know what's going on with them & not even talk to them very often. How to not feel threatened or jealous of their time or priorities and not get upset over things.
Maybe I could be more critical to them so they'd think maybe I don't really like them all that much and then just kinda ignore them in public so they wouldn't feel so secure in our relationship. Now that sounds like some manipulations & games that I'm in no way capable of..
I guess I don't really know the solution. I just find myself wishing I was the person on the other side of this equation 99% of the time. For once can't I be the boots instead of the doormat? I think the guilt I'd have over that totally wouldn't be worth it. *sigh* See I really do care too much.
Maybe if I can pretend to care less enough it'll actually happen? I just hope that doesn't lead me to not caring at all.. even tho it would be a welcome change at this point.
