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Showing posts from October, 2011

The right to choose our own friends

What to do when you find yourself backed into a corner..

When a friend confirms to us that the world is as we see it, we feel safer, reassured. We are in harmony. Our level of insecurity determines how much danger we sense when a falling out occurs. It determines our reaction, or over-reaction to the fall-out.


An injured friend is the bitterest of foes.
Thomas Jefferson
One would do well to remember this.

"Fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends."
- Jacques Delille (1738 - 1813) French poet.
I believe this yes, but it's not that easy.

"The friendship that can cease has never been real."
- Saint Jerome
I can see truth in this.. or is it that sometimes friendships are just for a season..


"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."
- Henry Ford

And what is the one who brings out the worst?


"I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with the roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost-work, but the…

Isn't it awesome when you don't have to wait long

My questions & hurt.. this is how God answered me this morning.. new favorite song..

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Chorus

Ammo < Grace

The problem with letting someone in is that you're giving them ammo to use against you if they are ever displeased with you & so choose to do so. A person who knows you well has all the tools they need to completely devastate & destroy you in an instant by just the right combination of words. How powerful is that? How can we ever trust another flawed human being with our hearts?

What kind of insanity comes over us in that moment when we bare our souls to someone? Why would we ever want to expose ourselves in that way? Why let your guard down.. why allow yourself to ever be vulnerable?

It's because that's the only way to love & be loved in return.

Oh God, why did you make it that way? Why can't we have love without pain? Why can't our relationships with others just be pleasant and not hurt so much?

Emotions are fleeting but we may find ourselves feeling this way: STOP LETTING THEM IN! No more AMMO!  Pray about it and that's it. It's done. I don…

Anger is the result of frustrated expectations

No one in this world owes you a thing.. so when ya get to thinking somebody has let you down it's probably time to start checkin your expectations.

I've been switching from guilt to self loathing to hopelessness to depression to resentment & on it goes. As if I wasn't hard enough on myself. I just can't seem to keep from disappointing people these days.
I don't know how I can do it all.. it feels impossible when there's so much to do and so many people to keep happy and..  just like that it hits me..
You can't.
It's my old approval addiction rearing it's ugly head. I don't have to feel guilty for not living up to someone's expectations.


"Just do your best 'cause that's the best you can do."


I've gotta let it go. My apologies if I haven't been doing enough for you lately. I'm truly sorry I haven't been involved enough in your life. If you feel neglected or undervalued just know that wasn't my intention. …

just another bump in the road

Here we go again. Substitute called in. 2 hr drive. Stressful heavy traffic. Anxiety producing exams. Back home by dark.
Today was supposed to be the start of the weaning off the splint process. Just the daytime splint of course. The nighttime one is a permanent fixture in my world. However, due to my lack of sleep, the stupid stubborn rib, and the awful tension headaches of the past month Doc has decided to delay it. He says if we can get all that stuff ironed out then I can start the process on Nov. 1st. Fingers crossed.
It is a very detailed, structured plan with five stages. The first is going without the appliance for one hour after each meal. If no symptoms return and no pain worsens that week then I move on to stage 2 and so on.
Best case scenario would be if months from now I am able to have my teeth touching again by some miracle with no reoccurrence of symptoms or back-sliding. This is only a fantasy for me I'm afraid. Five years ago when I'd made it this far, my bit…

time for a change

The theme in my life right now seems to be that I suck at life. No really. I am so self absorbed and have too much going on all the time. I've neglected relationships with the most important people while trying to keep up with too many other people. When my kids are talking to me these days I catch myself drifting in & out of the conversation overwhelmed by all my brain & heart is dealing with right now.
WARNING! Complaint time::::I am so emotionally drained and completely exhausted. I have a headache I can't seem to shake that in moments of silence, like right now, I want to shove my fist thru my forehead to make it stop. I can't seem to get any rest. I've had intense dreams that don't make any sense but keep me up at night. That stupid rib keeps going out and I'm about to lose my mind over it. My stress level is way up as stuff keeps coming at me and my tmj pain is about a 6 right now as I catch myself clenching my teeth once again. Something's got…

Double wedding weekend

First of all let me say that the Firefighter was on shift all 48 hours of Friday/Saturday. It always seems to fall that way doesn't it.
We had a wedding to attend in the city Friday night. This being a family friend affair my childcare options were nil for that day. This was a problem because the kids didn't have school that day but I did. I finally found a friend who let them stay over there. Which, btw, her child ended up having strep-throat so we will see if we escaped that one or not.. but I was sure grateful she kept them for me!
After the unspeakable insanity of the day, I picked up the kids and road-raged catching every single red light on the way home leaving myself about 30 mins to be changed & ready for the wedding, not to mention have both kids ready as well. It was 2 hours away so I was applying make-up in the car as the Firefighter drove us. The ceremony was lovely and we even got to try an appetizer at the reception before we had to dash. We got home before m…