Saturday, October 22, 2011

The right to choose our own friends

What to do when you find yourself backed into a corner..

When a friend confirms to us that the world is as we see it, we feel safer, reassured. We are in harmony. Our level of insecurity determines how much danger we sense when a falling out occurs. It determines our reaction, or over-reaction to the fall-out.

An injured friend is the bitterest of foes.
Thomas Jefferson

One would do well to remember this.

"Fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends."
- Jacques Delille (1738 - 1813) French poet.

I believe this yes, but it's not that easy.

"The friendship that can cease has never been real."
- Saint Jerome
I can see truth in this.. or is it that sometimes friendships are just for a season..

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."
- Henry Ford

And what is the one who brings out the worst?

"I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with the roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost-work, but the solidest thing we know."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

That's right.. when they are r e a l . .

"A friend to all is a friend to none."
- Aristotle

I can't afford to waste myself on unauthentic relationships. I cannot put effort into a relationship that is not of value. I have too many real, important relationships to care for.

Sometimes you have to weigh a relationship on it's merits. If it brings more drama & stress to your life than it is worth then maybe it's time to let it go. It's a hard decision to make and can be painful but we are supposed to choose our friends carefully. Fate decides who comes into our lives but it is up to us who we hold on to. I'm letting go.


Monday, October 17, 2011

Isn't it awesome when you don't have to wait long

My questions & hurt.. this is how God answered me this morning.. new favorite song..

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me 
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you


Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

All of Me by Matt Hammitt from Sanctus Real


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Ammo < Grace

The problem with letting someone in is that you're giving them ammo to use against you if they are ever displeased with you & so choose to do so. A person who knows you well has all the tools they need to completely devastate & destroy you in an instant by just the right combination of words. How powerful is that? How can we ever trust another flawed human being with our hearts?

What kind of insanity comes over us in that moment when we bare our souls to someone? Why would we ever want to expose ourselves in that way? Why let your guard down.. why allow yourself to ever be vulnerable?

It's because that's the only way to love & be loved in return.

Oh God, why did you make it that way? Why can't we have love without pain? Why can't our relationships with others just be pleasant and not hurt so much?

Emotions are fleeting but we may find ourselves feeling this way: STOP LETTING THEM IN! No more AMMO!  Pray about it and that's it. It's done. I don't need to share my pain. I will keep it to myself. And what I've already shared, I can't take it back but I can STOP LETTING IT HURT ME NOW! I can make those words mean NOTHING to me if I try hard enough. It's not my truth, it's just words aimed as a weapon. I just need to have my shield ready.

See, the problem with hurting someone intentionally is that even though you may have won the battle in that moment, you've really lost. You've lost a piece of their trust that you can't get back. They'll probably forgive you, but you tore them down and they won't be able to just forget that even if they want to. You have done damage to the relationship that is hard to erase.

Thankfully we have a God who is able to do what we cannot. He can forgive completely and wipe the slate clean. He IS unconditional love. His love overpowers any scars and makes us better than we are. We can turn to his loving arms and bury ourselves in his peace.. let it wash over us like an ocean wave crashing to the shore and taking away our pain. He loves us enough that we don't need to be loved any more than we already are. His grace is enough.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Anger is the result of frustrated expectations

No one in this world owes you a thing.. so when ya get to thinking somebody has let you down it's probably time to start checkin your expectations.

I've been switching from guilt to self loathing to hopelessness to depression to resentment & on it goes. As if I wasn't hard enough on myself. I just can't seem to keep from disappointing people these days.
I don't know how I can do it all.. it feels impossible when there's so much to do and so many people to keep happy and..  just like that it hits me..
You can't.
It's my old approval addiction rearing it's ugly head. I don't have to feel guilty for not living up to someone's expectations.

"Just do your best 'cause that's the best you can do."

I've gotta let it go. My apologies if I haven't been doing enough for you lately. I'm truly sorry I haven't been involved enough in your life. If you feel neglected or undervalued just know that wasn't my intention. I do care, in fact I care too much.

I've been pouring myself out into 24 little hearts, some of which break mine into a million little pieces. I've been fighting to stay on top of my paperwork piles, schedules, chores & to-do lists and at the top of my game each day because falling behind is not an option. I know you don't understand the depth of all that but all I'm asking for is a little grace. You don't know all the struggles I've had the past month and that's okay. God does. I don't need you to do anything for me. I just ask that you cut me some slack if I seem distracted or self absorbed. I really am doing the best I can.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

just another bump in the road

Here we go again. Substitute called in. 2 hr drive. Stressful heavy traffic. Anxiety producing exams. Back home by dark.
Today was supposed to be the start of the weaning off the splint process. Just the daytime splint of course. The nighttime one is a permanent fixture in my world. However, due to my lack of sleep, the stupid stubborn rib, and the awful tension headaches of the past month Doc has decided to delay it. He says if we can get all that stuff ironed out then I can start the process on Nov. 1st. Fingers crossed.
It is a very detailed, structured plan with five stages. The first is going without the appliance for one hour after each meal. If no symptoms return and no pain worsens that week then I move on to stage 2 and so on.
Best case scenario would be if months from now I am able to have my teeth touching again by some miracle with no reoccurrence of symptoms or back-sliding. This is only a fantasy for me I'm afraid. Five years ago when I'd made it this far, my bite was off but at least I wasn't in pain.
I'm just hoping I don't have to climb in that cubby thing with my head strapped to the backboard and the x-ray machine circulating around my head slowly while I fight to stay perfectly still again for a long long time..The good news is that looking at those scans today he was able to see signs that the bone is starting to regenerate around the damaged joint on the right side. Hopefully this means the joint will be strong enough one day to prevent another dislocation or further damage. 
Long story short, the journey continues.
Best thing I heard all day? I don't have to go back again until FEBRUARY. Hallelujah


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

time for a change

The theme in my life right now seems to be that I suck at life. No really. I am so self absorbed and have too much going on all the time. I've neglected relationships with the most important people while trying to keep up with too many other people. When my kids are talking to me these days I catch myself drifting in & out of the conversation overwhelmed by all my brain & heart is dealing with right now.
WARNING! Complaint time:::: I am so emotionally drained and completely exhausted. I have a headache I can't seem to shake that in moments of silence, like right now, I want to shove my fist thru my forehead to make it stop. I can't seem to get any rest. I've had intense dreams that don't make any sense but keep me up at night. That stupid rib keeps going out and I'm about to lose my mind over it. My stress level is way up as stuff keeps coming at me and my tmj pain is about a 6 right now as I catch myself clenching my teeth once again. Something's gotta give!:::: Now back to normal programming.
So what do you do when you realize it's time for a change? How do you cut back on things? How do you MAKE more time when there's none there? I am re-evaluating how I spend my time. For me it's not hours in a day, it's events in a week. I guess I gotta learn how to say "No." I need to take a good look at my priorities. I just can't do everything I want to do. I can't be there for everyone all the time. I can't do it all.. as much as I want to.
I know this is going to let some people down and that is really hard for me, but I've already let the people down who matter most and that feels even worse. God is definitely leading me on this one. It's unbelievable how in my face it all is. There comes a point where you have to take action. I get that things aren't well balanced so what am I going to do to fix it?


Monday, October 3, 2011

Double wedding weekend

First of all let me say that the Firefighter was on shift all 48 hours of Friday/Saturday. It always seems to fall that way doesn't it.
We had a wedding to attend in the city Friday night. This being a family friend affair my childcare options were nil for that day. This was a problem because the kids didn't have school that day but I did. I finally found a friend who let them stay over there. Which, btw, her child ended up having strep-throat so we will see if we escaped that one or not.. but I was sure grateful she kept them for me!
After the unspeakable insanity of the day, I picked up the kids and road-raged catching every single red light on the way home leaving myself about 30 mins to be changed & ready for the wedding, not to mention have both kids ready as well. It was 2 hours away so I was applying make-up in the car as the Firefighter drove us. The ceremony was lovely and we even got to try an appetizer at the reception before we had to dash. We got home before midnight and he went back to work as the kids & I went to bed.
The next day I drove an hour away (and back)to meet my mother so she could keep the kids for me while I attended another wedding. I got home, got ready in a flash & the Firefighter, my Bessstest & I hustled to the next town for wedding number 2. He actually got to eat the meal this time before he had to get back to the FD. I had a wonderful time with my best friends and was so glad to be there but man I was dragging the next day. We left early to go get the kids from my parents.. another 2 hours of driving.. and spent the rest of the day trying to get caught back up on everything. Now I've started the week already wore out. Just glad we got thru this one. Looking at the calendar for the coming month has me nervous that we'll even survive the rest! ha, you think I'm joking but I'm totally not =/


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