The Wall

Pain. It causes quite different reactions doesn't it? Some fight through it and actually enjoy it a little. Others run at the first sign of hardship. How do you react to a painful experience? What do you do when someone has hurt you?
My natural tendency, as wrong as it may be, is to go into self-protect mode. I subconsciously push the pain causer away, become distant & cold, and sort of curl up into the fetal position for a time. I even may nurse my wounds. It's not meant to be holding a grudge or pouting, lol, it is simply a fear of being vulnerable enough to be hurt that way again. I put up a wall so it seems. What's different about me is that it doesn't last for long. After some time of healing from the hurt I jump right back into trusting that person again. Now, I guess the more hurt that comes from one relationship the more time it takes, maybe? I don't know for sure how this system works but I've been asking God to tear my walls down and take my fears away and simply be my guide in how to react to things. I want His Will and I think sometimes my emotions and hurt feelings get in the way of that.
I know that pushing someone away or being aloof will certainly not cause them to love me more or treat me better, so why do I do this? I withdraw back into myself, into my shell and it's hard for me to pull out of that sometimes. I get so lost in my hurt and it steals the joy from my life. Satan knows this about me and he feeds the flames, trying to trap me into self pity and hopelessness and loneliness. This is the times where I need to turn it all over to God once again and let him be my defender, my redeemer, my vindicator. No one can really hurt me in a way that really matter in view of eternity and that's exactly where my view needs to be. Whatever someone chips away at me, my loving Father will restore! Sharing in Christ's sufferings means sharing in His inheritance as well! And that's certainly good enough for me!

Who's really in control?

It's an age-old debate. Are we in control of our own lives or not? Some say fate controls the universe & we are simply in it's grasp. Others say God controls everything, including us.
I believe that we are actually in control of so much more than we like to give ourselves credit for. Absolutely God is supremely in control, of everything. However, He's chosen to give us our own free will and we have the freedom to make our own choices and deal with things however we want.
We are not in control of others. It is foolish to believe your manipulations & mind games really work on people. They are in control of themselves. Even if you get the results you are after sometimes, you aren't really ever in control of someone else. So stop trying to be, they'll only resent you for it.
We are in control of our own attitudes most of all. Something that happens to two people the same way will produce completely different reactions. YOU choose how people treat you because it's how YOU let them treat you. YOU choose to get upset over things or not. YOU choose to act on it. YOU choose the words coming out of your mouth no matter how mad you are when you say them, you can't take them back and you are still responsible for them. YOU decide whether you've had a good day or bad day based on your own criteria, your own perceptions. YOU decide who you take it out on.
Your life is what you make it. You can't blame someone else for your unhappiness. Life is a series of choices. Good things happen sometimes and bad things happen sometimes, but what you do with it is your choice.. and therefore in your control. There is power in positive thinking, in having faith that the God of the universe will work all things out to the good of those who love him & seek him according to his Purpose. After all, if God is for us, who can be against us?
Life isn't supposed to be easy. It's not supposed to be all about seeking your own happiness either. How trivial and selfish an existence to think you deserve whatever you want from one moment to the next! My, how we act like spoiled little children when we don't get our way, when things don't go "right" or "smoothly." Who promised us that life would be fair anyway? Where do we get that sense of entitlement?
I'm glad we're not really in control because we humans have proven how badly we would mess things up if we were.. look how we mess up just our own little lives! Just imagine if we controlled the whole universe! I know I've seen that when I try to control everything the way I want it, something goes wrong. It is so much better for me to let go & let God be in control and make my choices based on his leading, His Will. But I really believe what you think, and how you think determines your success in life and that is where happiness comes from.

Whether you think you can or think you can't.. you are right.

9-11

I spoke with my students today about 9-11. They had no idea. They were amazed by what I had to say. I told them my story- how I felt that day, how scary it was, how the events unfolded. I told them only an overview fit for the first grade impressionable minds in front of me, but there's so much more to the story..

I was a college student, driving in my little car to Alva. I heard on the radio that something was going on but I didn't pay much attention because I had a lot on my mind. I had exams coming up, projects due, papers to write.. then Michael called. He said that a plane had crashed into some tower or something. He was incredulous but I didn't get it. I turned up the radio when I got off the phone with him and the guy said he was reporting from the pentagon. There was a loud noise & then they didn't know what was going on. By the time I made it to campus I was realizing that things were weird. People were looking around and talking excitedly as they walked up to the wellness center doors. I went in to my School & Community Health class and sat down listening to all the crazy conversations going on. Coach Batisti came in and said "I don't know what you all are doing, but I'm watching the news to see what's going on!" We all rushed out & squeezed around the small TVs above the treadmills. After awhile I left & went to the mass comm lounge where I found my comrads watching TV anxiously. As I watched the second plane crash into the second tower it started sinking in. It was all so unbelievable. We were under attack!?! As journalists we all started taking notes and discussing how the news crews were handling this major story. We had each local station going on all the various TVs around there and CNN and FOX News on the ones in the studio. We went back & forth between them and marveled at the misinformation reported before facts were confirmed and how much the details varied depending on which channel you were watching. "Who really knows what's going on?" we thought.
As I drove home that afternoon I saw cars crammed into gas stations, the lines backing out all the way to blocking the highways. People were in a complete panic. I arrived home at my small apartment & Michael and I compared stories, thoughts & ideas. We talked about how scary a world it is that we are bringing a child into. I was pregnant with Princess. She was due in January and I couldn't help but wonder how I would ever explain this day to her and how much it meant to America.
Even now I don't know how to describe the magnitude of lives lost on that day or the impact those events had on my life. Things had changed. They would never be the same. I truely believed that. Now, eight years later I am surprised how quickly we have moved on. How little it matters that thousands of Americans were killed by terroists in a free nation of liberty and justice. We just turned our heads, moved on with our trivial little social lives and looked away from the widows & families of the firefighters, police, rescue crews and employees of the World Trade Center. I'm sure they will never forget, so how can we, as a nation, ever forget their sacrifice.. or the sacrifice of the soldiers & their families ever since? The image most in my mind is not the plane hitting the tower, but the front page of the NY Times paper that had an actual body plumeting to the ground.. the hundreds of people who jumped out of the windows in a desperate last attempt of hope.. the firefighters pouring through rubbage looking for the lost people.. such a sad and heartbreaking moment in time for our country.. it's our generation's Pearl Harbor you know.. it is a lost & fallen world we live in for sure.

it's late

It's 1:19 a.m. Even as I'm typing that I can't believe it. I get up at 5:30. Why am I awake? I'm exhausted of course. Tomorrow is Friday and it's been quite a stressful week even tho it was short one day. We've had open house, school pictures, cookie dough orders due, dibels testing, and my little boy got his first belt promotion in karate Wed night, it was so awesome.

I'm tired. I should be asleep. My honey is on shift tonight. The kids have been in bed since 9. I've milled around the house folding laundry, picking up, wiping off.. I've even gotten ready for bed. I just never went there. Some nights the brain just won't shut down it seems. I saw the Firefighter at dinnertime for a bit. I had friends over so we didn't get to talk much. I miss him. Isn't it crazy how much you can miss someone you just saw? That's the odd thing about being a firefighter's wife.. the sleeping alone thing.. the going to bed alone thing.. it's when I miss him the most. I stay up too late when he's not here. I'll regret it in the morning I know. I'm going to set my alarm for 6 and say that 30 minutes will make the difference. I will wake up rested & ready to face the day. Name it & proclaim it, right?

My Little Man