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The Wall

Pain. It causes quite different reactions doesn't it? Some fight through it and actually enjoy it a little. Others run at the first sign of hardship. How do you react to a painful experience? What do you do when someone has hurt you?
My natural tendency, as wrong as it may be, is to go into self-protect mode. I subconsciously push the pain causer away, become distant & cold, and sort of curl up into the fetal position for a time. I even may nurse my wounds. It's not meant to be holding a grudge or pouting, lol, it is simply a fear of being vulnerable enough to be hurt that way again. I put up a wall so it seems. What's different about me is that it doesn't last for long. After some time of healing from the hurt I jump right back into trusting that person again. Now, I guess the more hurt that comes from one relationship the more time it takes, maybe? I don't know for sure how this system works but I've been asking God to tear my walls down and take my fears away and simply be my guide in how to react to things. I want His Will and I think sometimes my emotions and hurt feelings get in the way of that.
I know that pushing someone away or being aloof will certainly not cause them to love me more or treat me better, so why do I do this? I withdraw back into myself, into my shell and it's hard for me to pull out of that sometimes. I get so lost in my hurt and it steals the joy from my life. Satan knows this about me and he feeds the flames, trying to trap me into self pity and hopelessness and loneliness. This is the times where I need to turn it all over to God once again and let him be my defender, my redeemer, my vindicator. No one can really hurt me in a way that really matter in view of eternity and that's exactly where my view needs to be. Whatever someone chips away at me, my loving Father will restore! Sharing in Christ's sufferings means sharing in His inheritance as well! And that's certainly good enough for me!

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