Tuesday, December 29, 2009
but I found this one on the net.
It's called a lunar halo and it's really cool. Hope everyone got a look at it last night. I kinda like my shot.. it made a cross in the sky and we all know that only God could make a beautiful scene like that. Thank you for the wonderous beauty you share with us Lord, it is much appreciated.
Monday, December 28, 2009
This morning I got up at 7:00 a.m. and went for a run around my neighborhood. Then I jumped in & out of the shower in 15 minutes, got dressed & was ready to begin my day! Nope, not me. I cleaned the entire house from top to bottom as well as organizing & decluttering every room I encountered. Nope, not me. I also got my kids up, got them bathed & dressed and took them for an outing in the park.. okay well maybe it's too cold for that anyway.. maybe I baked them a cake or something else those super-duper domestic goddesses do on their days off. Of course, if you know me, you know I am totally full of it. But let's pretend it wasn't me who slept in past nine and hollered at the kids to find a breakfast bar or something. It wasn't me who ate chocolate Santas for breakfast. Let's say I didn't stay in my pajamas until almost noon playing around on the computer & watching useless television. Let's all agree that I would never spend an entire day doing pretty much nothing of any value. It wasn't me who left lunch sitting out on the counter until it was time to make dinner. It wasn't me who 10 minutes into cleaning Princess' room decided I felt dizzy & had a headache & it was time for a nap! LOL. Okay so I'm enjoying my day off.. is that a crime?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
The kids have been asking for a pet for some time now. We had discussed a few different things but in the end we went with a kitten that we got from the local vet. It has been a new experience for us all. The little guy has been named Milo and is quickly becoming a part of our family. We couldn't be happier.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
So, anyway, we have all these different areas of our lives where things can go wrong and it seems that we need each one of them to be going pretty good to feel "happy" -right? If one section has become a struggle, a challenge, a battle.. it seems to somehow outweigh the good that is in all the other parts. Why is that? Should we be so absorbed by just one part? Actually we should always be completely consumed with God and our relationship with Him, so let's take that part out of the equation for now.
Why is it when we've been hurt by a friend or a family member forgot our birthday or we've had a fight with our spouse, or things've become very difficult at work, or our child is misbehaving.. (you get the idea).. things all seem to fall apart?
How can we feel so defeated when we still have so much good around us? Why do we focus on what is hard for the moment? Whatever we are facing right now we should look for ways to be thankful.. count our blessings.. be -too blessed to be stressed! It's so easy to lose perspective and let something wear us down and have it affect all the other areas of our life.. we have to fight that! And by "we" I really mean "me." I've let myself get down and lost sight of the prize to be claimed at the end of my journey. I consider that the trials I am facing are nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed in me! Satan wants me to feel powerless, defeated, consumed with my struggles.. his lies invade my thoughts, my speech, my attitude.. but I can overcome them with THE TRUTH. I must seek it out and proclaim it if I hope to win. God is my hope, my strength.. my shield and HE is in control.. no matter how out of control things can seem. I know I am doing God's work.. what He has called me to do and I know that He will work all things to my good because I love him and am called according to His Purposes.. and -ABSOLUTELY- THAT IS ENOUGH FOR ME TO SMILE ABOUT!
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I've found that I can't be around negativity for very long or I get sucked into it. I don't mean being there for someone. I mean getting dragged down into misery that loves company. People can get so lost in their problems, the things that are stressing them out, that they don't see the dark cloud of negativity around them. Trust me, I know. I've been there. You see it a lot in teaching really. Someone can lose perspective with all that goes wrong on a regular basis. There's so much we deal with that is beyond our control. It's just rolling with the punches sometimes.
Have you ever known someone who just didn't have a single nice thing to say about anyone? How annoying. Don't you just wonder what they're saying about you as you walk away, lol. It's usually dumb stuff too. It's like they have to criticize just to criticize. Well it really starts to wear on you after awhile. Pretty soon you find yourself discounting anything they have to say. You start blocking it out. It's this -talking behind someone's back- thing that makes them seem so fake. We all "vent" to others sometimes about something someone else did, so maybe we're all fake to some extent. I do have to say it still bothers me though. The one good thing that comes from hearing negative things ALL THE TIME is that it makes me more aware of my own words!
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
So you're saying it's okay to be "fake" with a child, or as a teacher now, right? Well, I think it applies to everyone in our lives. If you know someone who bothers you with their fake perfectness- can't you see the insecurities in them? Maybe they are just making an effort to be content and thankful in spite of their problems. Maybe they just don't want to open up to you. Not everyone can lay their feelings out for all the world to see.. lol, like myself. I think it's better to appear to be "fake" to someone than to be rude. Why point out their weaknesses or faults? Why not give them grace to change & grow as God sees fit? Why not look for the best in them & help them celebrate that? Why not build people up instead of tearing them down? Be enthusiastic, be kind, be nice, be excited about life.. it's contagious and might just make a difference in someone's life! And if someone wants to criticize you for it or call you "fake" -oh well. Just smile.. because you can.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
My dreams for my life are to have a wonderfully loving Christian family. I want us to live in a nice home with room enough for friends & family. I want to have a career I can be proud of. I want to do something helpful and significant and be paid enough so that we don't have to rely on [my DH's] income alone. I dream of being close to my children & involved in their lives. I also have a dream of living close to [my lil sis] and seeing our kids grow up together. I dream of [my DH] & I growing closer and more in love as the years go by. I envision us sitting together watching our grandkids play in the yard. Finally I dream of finding true friends. I want someone I can be close with, someone I connect with and can really talk to. I want someone I can go do things with, have fun with-someone I can laugh with.
(Now, to put this in context, this was all written BEFORE I became a teacher, before I'd ever even thought about becoming a teacher.. BEFORE my sister moved here.. and well BEFORE I even had met my amazing ladiez.)
I followed the entry with a prayer that said:
Guide me, Lord, so that I always follow your will for me. Take away the negativity and self-doubt. Refresh me with your Spirit and give me a new vision of myself and my life. Help me to shed all the things that hold me back. I want to be and accomplish all that you have planned for me. I step out in faith to believe that I will receive favor in my life - by You, even though I don't deserve it. Thank you for blessing me, Amen.
Then a scripture on the page was circled, it was "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11
I wrote this passage at a lonely time. I was living in a new town where I knew no one but my new family. We were so young & our babies were born so fast. I had just finished getting my degree and had no idea what I was going to do. The Firefighter was not a firefighter yet and was working long hard hours in the oil field. I had no friends, or at least I felt like I didn't. I spent A LOT of time at home with my babies. I longed for relationships. I prayed for companionship. And God gave. Oh, how He gave. God answered my prayers and then some. I asked for one real friendship, He gave me twenty. I asked for a meaningful career and He gave me teaching. I asked for love.. and He overflowed my heart in a way that I cannot even begin to explain.
I'm sharing this today because reading it and thinking of how God answered my prayers, the deepest desires of my heart matching His for me and how He's outdone anything I could conjure up for myself.. made me weep. Openhearted joy came over me as I realized how much He has changed me since then and how much my life has changed because of it. I can smile when faced with hardships because I know He's taking care of me and it is all a part of God's workmanship and him building & molding me to be exactly who He wants me to be. I can share in Christ's sufferings because I get to share in His blessings. I am God's child and He loves me.. and my life, my journey is my proof of that. How can I not share that message of hope with others?
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Wow. That just really puts it out there doesn't it. I got that verse from Rick Warren's twitter post this morning & it just jumped off the screen to me. What do I feed on? What is my daily intake? Television, internet, movies, music, all of it. I could definately call most of television today - TRASH! I watch my fair share of my favorite programs, so I would say this is my weakest area. Most importantly, what spiritual intake do I have. Once a week, an hour of church on Sunday morning? Like that's enough? I really believe INTAKE=OUTAKE & Trash In-Trash Out. In other words, these influences in our lives influence us! We should be hungry for truth. What is truth? THE WORD OF GOD! We are basically sitting around eating a greesy cheeseburger made by some kid who probably doesn't wash his hands very often when God has offered us a fat juicy steak, untouched, cooked perfectly and ready to eat! Instead of what we really need, we're taking in JUNK! And what is the result of filling yourself with junk all the time? Exactly.. being full of it! Lol.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
That said, I've been disapointed with myself as a wife & mom. I feel like I should be doing better at taking care of my home, staying on top of things, being in control of my household. So much of me goes into my classroom everyday that it's like I take whatever is left home to my family and try to make that work. So many times I've wondered if I've left my brain on my desk at school. I get so frustrated with myself. Why can't I just do everything & be everything to everyone? I want to. Sometimes I even feel like I should, but I know that's silly. I feel so pulled in different directions and like I blurted out yesterday to no one in particular "I can't do 18 things all at once!" What a day that was. It was Halloween and I was trying to make it special for my kids. But I needed to clean the house & so we were running late & so it didn't turn out so good & then we carved pumpkins which my DH said was like putting up lights on Christmas day & I'd invited my students to trick-or-treat at our house so we couldn't go anywhere, though I'm sure I missed someone since we were late getting back to our house after taking the kids downtown.. it seemed no matter what I tried to do it was gonna backfire on me and I didn't even take one stinkin picture. What kind of a mom forgets to take pictures of the kids on Halloween? Now looking at the upcoming holidays I already feel doomed to failure. I can't even keep up with the day to day, how am I supposed to handle the extra tasks of the holidays? I guess I just need to let go of my expectations & my self-critical nature and just watch to see what God has planned. He does a much better job than I do anyway.
I remember reading this quote & thinking how much I wanted that. I wanted friends that I spent every moment with, attached at the hip, knew everything about them & they knew everything about me. I thought that's what that quote meant..
Now I've come to realize, through personal experience, what becoming family with former strangers really means. It's an unconditional love thing. It's not a time thing. It doesn't mean that you get to see each other everyday because life just doesn't work that way. It doesn't mean that you have to know everything that goes on in each other's lives either. It's simply that this girl is your sister- you would do anything in the world for her, and no matter what she says or does, you love her just the same. That's the thing about families - they can hurt you more than the average person can because you've opened yourself up to them, become vulnerable. They can point out a flaw or something you're insecure about & it feels devestating to you because you desire their approval more than others. Likewise, family can drive you more crazy than a "friend" can. Their little quirks or shortcomings can grate on your nerves sometimes for sure.
Becoming a family means letting go of the fear of rejection. You find it easy to just be yourself, let your guard down, relax & simply enjoy each other's company. These people can build you up or tear you down by just their words & actions. It can be kind of scary, to let people in like that, to open yourself up to pain. People in general can be self absorbed, selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate, jealous, petty.. even those amazing people you adore have a little of those qualities in them and the more time that goes by, the more chances of you seeing those things come out in them. It can be so hurtful when a person who's supposed to love you unconditionally criticizes you or treats you carelessly. I've often heard, we hurt the ones we love. How sad, but true. The only way to not get hurt is to close yourself off completely.
I don't know when these girls became like sisters to me. It's been a few years now of birthday parties, holidays, lunches, play-dates, baby showers, celebrations, laughter & tears.. and tons of picture taking, lol. But I've come to appreciate our differences as well as our likenesses. I've come to enjoy their successes as much as I do my own. I've come to feel their pain as deep as if it were mine.
Love comes in gradually in different size pieces and there is no end to it. You start to see someone as an important part of who you are, where you are. You know losing them would be too painful to bear and so you start to hold them closer, more tightly and you start sacrificing other things like your time, energy, other relationships. Then the comfort comes in. The feeling of peace when you realize they aren't going anywhere. You've hurt them, they've hurt you, but you both stayed. That's when you become family - when you become comfortable.
Your sisters are the ones who see the best (and worst) IN you but always point out the good TO you. They will compliment you when you're picking yourself apart. They will show up early to your kid's birthday party just to help you get things ready & tell you to quit stressin. They will laugh at the fact that you're always late & always forgetting things instead of getting mad about it. They will never point out that your house is always a mess and call you supermom for any attempts at making things special for your kids. Most of all, they will love you no matter how much of a mess you are. I thank God for blessing me in this way. I know I would not be the same without my girls. I would be less and my life would be less. They make me feel like I can accomplish anything. They are my cheerleaders, my fans, but most of all.. they are my family.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I debate letting her have full rein over herself daily. So many times she comes up with this crazy idea and I have to shoot it down with my mean 'ol logic & reasoning. She doesn't understand why I won't just let her wear the clunky tennis shoes with her church dress and a hoodie over it, lol. She's always been that way. I remember huge battles over making her wear pants to leave the house when she was just two. She had her underwear, pajama shirt & boots on after all. She'd even put on a hat.
I forsee many more struggles for control in our future. Sometimes I think she just finds it amusing to see me try to come up with reasons why she can't do crazy things. There are times when I just give in because I can't think of a good enough reason not to. It was fun to give her all the power to pick whatever she wanted to wear for a change. Today celebrated her free-spiritedness. I am thankful for days like today.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
My sister told me recently about an insightful moment she had with her baby boy. She was changing his diaper, which can be a huge task for anyone as he is a strong and wiggly baby who has a great set of lungs on him. While she was fighting him & pleading with him to just hold still for one minute- it hit her ---> He doesn't know that this isn't the end of the world - to him it is. She has perspective on the situation and he doesn't. She said she wondered how many times she's whined and thrown a fit about something in her life because to her it felt like the end of the world. And how God was probably looking at her saying poor child, it's okay, just hold on, I'm in control.. I've got this.
I know when things feel hopeless to me or when I'm striving and fighting and struggling, my God is telling me to just hold still for a minute and let him finish. What an important thing to remember!
Often I wonder if the way I perceive things is tainted by past experiences, emotions, fears, and doubts more than by reality. I get annoyed with myself. I don't always like how I handle things or the way my brain shifts into auto-pilot when I'm hurt and my heart goes into self-protect mode by putting up a fortress around it. We get irritated at other people from time to time, no matter how much we love them, so wouldn't it make sense that we'd not like ourselves sometimes too. I mean we do spend an awful lot of time with ourselves & all.
If only there was this magic button we could press when we felt like we were too much of "ourselves" and could switch to being more like someone else. Say someone who usually walks all over you makes some critical comment and you flip the switch & suddenly you are that firey co-worker of yours who always has a comeback for everything. You snap back at them and they back down. Boom! Problem solved. Right? Well maybe not. It reminds me of "You've Got Mail" when Meg Ryan is upset that she never has something mean to say when she wishes she did and then there's that moment when she says exactly what she wanted to say in the right moment... AND... she feels terrible about it. Maybe that's just not us.. to say something hurtful to someone just to get them back. After all that leaves you with guilt on top of the hurt you feel from what THEY said to you in the first place. And the sad thing is, THEY don't feel guilty at all, but you know you will.
I guess it's not that I wish I could BE someone else really. Just that I wish I could be a little less ME sometimes. Less anxious. Less analytical. Less critical of myself. Less emotional. Less unorganized. Less naive. Less trusting. Less timid. Less introverted. Less, less, less.. caring? Yes. Sometimes I do wish I didn't care so much, seems like things would be easier.
I think the more you try to be something you're not, the more disconnected you'll feel, and the true you will come out anyway. I believe in self improvement, but there are just some things in your personality, your make up, that you just cannot change. So it goes back to the well known prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, September 14, 2009
My natural tendency, as wrong as it may be, is to go into self-protect mode. I subconsciously push the pain causer away, become distant & cold, and sort of curl up into the fetal position for a time. I even may nurse my wounds. It's not meant to be holding a grudge or pouting, lol, it is simply a fear of being vulnerable enough to be hurt that way again. I put up a wall so it seems. What's different about me is that it doesn't last for long. After some time of healing from the hurt I jump right back into trusting that person again. Now, I guess the more hurt that comes from one relationship the more time it takes, maybe? I don't know for sure how this system works but I've been asking God to tear my walls down and take my fears away and simply be my guide in how to react to things. I want His Will and I think sometimes my emotions and hurt feelings get in the way of that.
I know that pushing someone away or being aloof will certainly not cause them to love me more or treat me better, so why do I do this? I withdraw back into myself, into my shell and it's hard for me to pull out of that sometimes. I get so lost in my hurt and it steals the joy from my life. Satan knows this about me and he feeds the flames, trying to trap me into self pity and hopelessness and loneliness. This is the times where I need to turn it all over to God once again and let him be my defender, my redeemer, my vindicator. No one can really hurt me in a way that really matter in view of eternity and that's exactly where my view needs to be. Whatever someone chips away at me, my loving Father will restore! Sharing in Christ's sufferings means sharing in His inheritance as well! And that's certainly good enough for me!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I believe that we are actually in control of so much more than we like to give ourselves credit for. Absolutely God is supremely in control, of everything. However, He's chosen to give us our own free will and we have the freedom to make our own choices and deal with things however we want.
We are not in control of others. It is foolish to believe your manipulations & mind games really work on people. They are in control of themselves. Even if you get the results you are after sometimes, you aren't really ever in control of someone else. So stop trying to be, they'll only resent you for it.
We are in control of our own attitudes most of all. Something that happens to two people the same way will produce completely different reactions. YOU choose how people treat you because it's how YOU let them treat you. YOU choose to get upset over things or not. YOU choose to act on it. YOU choose the words coming out of your mouth no matter how mad you are when you say them, you can't take them back and you are still responsible for them. YOU decide whether you've had a good day or bad day based on your own criteria, your own perceptions. YOU decide who you take it out on.
Your life is what you make it. You can't blame someone else for your unhappiness. Life is a series of choices. Good things happen sometimes and bad things happen sometimes, but what you do with it is your choice.. and therefore in your control. There is power in positive thinking, in having faith that the God of the universe will work all things out to the good of those who love him & seek him according to his Purpose. After all, if God is for us, who can be against us?
Life isn't supposed to be easy. It's not supposed to be all about seeking your own happiness either. How trivial and selfish an existence to think you deserve whatever you want from one moment to the next! My, how we act like spoiled little children when we don't get our way, when things don't go "right" or "smoothly." Who promised us that life would be fair anyway? Where do we get that sense of entitlement?
I'm glad we're not really in control because we humans have proven how badly we would mess things up if we were.. look how we mess up just our own little lives! Just imagine if we controlled the whole universe! I know I've seen that when I try to control everything the way I want it, something goes wrong. It is so much better for me to let go & let God be in control and make my choices based on his leading, His Will. But I really believe what you think, and how you think determines your success in life and that is where happiness comes from.
Whether you think you can or think you can't.. you are right.
Friday, September 11, 2009
I was a college student, driving in my little car to Alva. I heard on the radio that something was going on but I didn't pay much attention because I had a lot on my mind. I had exams coming up, projects due, papers to write.. then Michael called. He said that a plane had crashed into some tower or something. He was incredulous but I didn't get it. I turned up the radio when I got off the phone with him and the guy said he was reporting from the pentagon. There was a loud noise & then they didn't know what was going on. By the time I made it to campus I was realizing that things were weird. People were looking around and talking excitedly as they walked up to the wellness center doors. I went in to my School & Community Health class and sat down listening to all the crazy conversations going on. Coach Batisti came in and said "I don't know what you all are doing, but I'm watching the news to see what's going on!" We all rushed out & squeezed around the small TVs above the treadmills. After awhile I left & went to the mass comm lounge where I found my comrads watching TV anxiously. As I watched the second plane crash into the second tower it started sinking in. It was all so unbelievable. We were under attack!?! As journalists we all started taking notes and discussing how the news crews were handling this major story. We had each local station going on all the various TVs around there and CNN and FOX News on the ones in the studio. We went back & forth between them and marveled at the misinformation reported before facts were confirmed and how much the details varied depending on which channel you were watching. "Who really knows what's going on?" we thought.
As I drove home that afternoon I saw cars crammed into gas stations, the lines backing out all the way to blocking the highways. People were in a complete panic. I arrived home at my small apartment & Michael and I compared stories, thoughts & ideas. We talked about how scary a world it is that we are bringing a child into. I was pregnant with Princess. She was due in January and I couldn't help but wonder how I would ever explain this day to her and how much it meant to America.
Even now I don't know how to describe the magnitude of lives lost on that day or the impact those events had on my life. Things had changed. They would never be the same. I truely believed that. Now, eight years later I am surprised how quickly we have moved on. How little it matters that thousands of Americans were killed by terroists in a free nation of liberty and justice. We just turned our heads, moved on with our trivial little social lives and looked away from the widows & families of the firefighters, police, rescue crews and employees of the World Trade Center. I'm sure they will never forget, so how can we, as a nation, ever forget their sacrifice.. or the sacrifice of the soldiers & their families ever since? The image most in my mind is not the plane hitting the tower, but the front page of the NY Times paper that had an actual body plumeting to the ground.. the hundreds of people who jumped out of the windows in a desperate last attempt of hope.. the firefighters pouring through rubbage looking for the lost people.. such a sad and heartbreaking moment in time for our country.. it's our generation's Pearl Harbor you know.. it is a lost & fallen world we live in for sure.
I'm tired. I should be asleep. My honey is on shift tonight. The kids have been in bed since 9. I've milled around the house folding laundry, picking up, wiping off.. I've even gotten ready for bed. I just never went there. Some nights the brain just won't shut down it seems. I saw the Firefighter at dinnertime for a bit. I had friends over so we didn't get to talk much. I miss him. Isn't it crazy how much you can miss someone you just saw? That's the odd thing about being a firefighter's wife.. the sleeping alone thing.. the going to bed alone thing.. it's when I miss him the most. I stay up too late when he's not here. I'll regret it in the morning I know. I'm going to set my alarm for 6 and say that 30 minutes will make the difference. I will wake up rested & ready to face the day. Name it & proclaim it, right?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
It's in our nature to resist change. To hold on to what once was. To desire what you once had. But it doesn't do any good. You can't get it back. It's time to move on now. If you try to hold onto someone who is trying to get away you waste your time and energy and they will resent you for it in the end. You are restricting them. You are demanding. You are holding them back. That isn't love, it's selfishness. You are simply putting what you want over everything else. You have to let them go. You have to quit clinging to the past and just let them go. The freedom that they now have is theirs to do with as they please. Now it is a choice. Now if they choose to keep you in their life it is a choice made w/out resentment or guilt. It may take time for them to figure out what they want. But you don't want to keep someone against their will. You want them to come to you freely, to choose you.
It's just like the way God designed our salvation. He doesn't want to force us to come to Him. He wants us to choose to come to Him. He's made it our choice. Free will is a beautiful thing. Out of it comes true, pure, unconditional love.. the only kind worth having.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I like to seek out the good in people and there's certain qualities I admire: honesty, loyalty, sincerity, generousity, kindness, straight-forwardness, character, grace.. but the people we gravitate toward aren't always ones with these same qualities. In fact they may be lacking in what we value, but rather are outgoing, charming & full of witt or sarcasm or humor. It's the people who, for some reason, when we leave their presence, we feel good, and we're not sure why. These people want everyone to like them and they usually succeed. I mean, how could you not? They are fun to be around. It might be that these people have qualities that you wish you had. The problem with that is that they have lots of friends, and only ever let maybe two or three really "in." So when you're on the outside of that, and you love & care about them but hate how they don't tell you things or you feel like they don't care, you start to feel a little disillusioned. Like they've fallen from grace, so to speak, in your eyes. Maybe they're not as wonderful as we thought. NOT that you had any right to put them on a pedestal in the first place of course. Then you turn it on yourself & say maybe "I'm" not that wonderful and that's the problem. After all, who says we deserve anything from anyone anyway?
I was watching Grey's re-runs the other night & the thought hit me - I'm Izzie! That's me. There's always been a Meredith in my life who everyone thought was amazing & who I adored & would've done anything for.. and then the Yang came. So Izzie is nice to Yang & the three hang out all the while knowing that Yang & Meredith are each other's number 1 and Izzie is kinda just on the sidelines, along for the ride. Who is her number 1? And the sad thing is that Meredith & Yang feed off each other's negativity, they actually reinforce each other's issues and make them worse. Kinda a misery loves company thing I guess. And yet, we all love the two of them together, it's my favorite element of the whole show!
Now don't get me wrong, I know I have lots of friends, really good ones, who are amazing & I love them so much it hurts sometimes. I guess that's just the way God made me, a deep feeler.. if that's even a word, lol. I'm okay with that. I know that comes with pain sometimes, but I'm willing to take the risk with people because I believe people are what matters. Lol, that's exactly the phrase Meredith & Yang poke fun at and disagree with on one episode so that shows I wouldn't be cool enough to hang w/ them! Ha! It's okay to be Izzie tho. She may not have always gotten what she wanted in way of friendships, but what she did get was love. Real love. And she wasn't afraid to jump in head first even after she'd been hurt before.. and it was so worth it in the end. Yep, I'm definately Izzie :)
Monday, August 24, 2009
What's gone is my time, a clean house, empty laundry hampers, my brain, sleeping in, lazy days, long nights, my peace & patience, time w/ my friends, my ability to talk about anything not related to school, my immune system, my typical cheery optimism, my ENERGY!
The kiddos are in kindergarten & 2nd grade now. I'm determined not to get too consumed in my work and keep my focus on God, my marriage and our kids. They are growing so fast and I know..
It won't be like this for long.
So in this crazy year that blows by me I hope to take things in stride and not get too run down or discouraged.. Keep my eyes on the Lord & know He's working things out for His Glory. My sweet babies are what's important and they're going to have a GREAT year! And I want to make sure that I'm "there" to be a part of it!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Our wedding day is here. Sooner than we'd planned. It wasn't as we expected. Time has sifted like sand..
Friday, August 14, 2009
When you see difficult times coming, how do you prepare? Falling completely apart, crying like a baby and feeling deeply sorry for oneself seems to be the likely option. However, God calls us to stand firm in faith. To face adversity with a knowing that God is on our side. It goes back to "God will never give me more than I can handle" and "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Knowing this, how can we fear anything? I think for me it's not the fear of survival, it's an avoidance of pain or hardship. I know that if He brings me to it, He'll get me through it. I believe that whole-heartedly. Yet I know that "getting through" something doesn't sound all that appealing to me. I know it could come at a cost. I know it will be unpleasant and could break me down. I know we are called to suffer sometimes, as Christ did on the cross. There is a time and a season for every purpose under Heaven. I just find myself telling God "nooooooo" like my children whine to me whenever I say it's bedtime. I know He knows best and that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. I know these things. I could give myself the best pep talk I could get- a you can do it, be positive, be strong, have faith, do not grow weary but look forward to the goal to obtain the prize for which you were called, atta boy. The strong sense of self-protecting avoidance is still there. I guess that's my flesh talking. Here I am trying to protect myself from God!?! How foolish! My Father knows best & I committ myself into His hands once again and prepare myself Spiritually to face whatever trials may come. I will praise Him in the storm. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship.. we are God's children.. heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:15-17
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
It is determined eventually that she's okay. I give her some Motrin and get her laying down in bed with a cold washcloth covering her eyes. The firefighter gets home from karate and checks her all out adding an icepack to the treatment. I tell her if it's not better in the morning then we'll go see the doctor.
Ten minutes before her hair appointment I am at my witts' end. She won't get up! She's crying and covering her eyes and it's still pretty red. It's obvious that she has some popped blood vessels, but I just don't think it should be hurting this bad so I call the doctor. We are advised to see an eye doctor immediately and call them back if we can't get in soon. After waiting for an hour, the eye doctor confirms the need for the appointment. He says it's a really good thing I brought her in because it doesn't look good. He dialates her eyes and we wait another 30 minutes. He then looks at the eye with the microscope thingy and says
there is significant swelling in the retina that he fears will lead to a detached retina in the left eye.Swallowing back that fear I ask as many questions as I can think of and am told there's really no treatment. We have to go back in a week to be sure that hasn't happened. He spoke very seriously with her telling her if she feels sudden pain or can't see or it seems like a curtain is covering part of her eye she needs to let me know right away so I can rush her in. A detached retina would require us to take her to the city for some sort of surgery. In the meantime she should "avoid strenuous activities but should be allowed to have fun & be a kid."
I can't believe this happened. Apparently she was pulling the snake back with her foot and holding the head & tail in her hands like you would stretch a rubber band. She kept telling me that she wishes this happened to Sponge Bob and not her. (They watched an episode the other day where he gave himself a black eye trying to open toothpaste or something.. I hate that show.) She asked if she's going to have her first black eye ever. She doesn't realize it's worse than a black eye! The stupid thing actually hit her eyeball! The eye doctor said "it sure tattooed her eye good" whatever that means! She insisted on going to dance this afternoon, but I stayed the whole time to keep an eye on her. She did fine except when they were stretching down to touch their toes. I think the being upside down part must've hurt. Poor thing. Why do the craziest things happen to kids?
Sunday, August 9, 2009
school starts next week.
It's excitement too of course. I can't wait to meet all the new little angels in my life who I will be caring for, encouraging, challenging (and who will be challenging me.) I can't wait to see my students from the previous years too. I love watching them go by marveling at how much wiser and more mature they are, and thinking perhaps I had a small hand in that. I'm looking forward to being around teachers again - the only other people on earth who truely know what I feel and how completely all-consuming this "job" is. It's nice to be a part of something that matters, to be working together for a common goal, and to be building together the future, which is too deep to comprehend. They are my life-line from August to May.
It's not a feeling of dread really, more of sheer panic. Is summer really over? How can that be? I didn't get to half of the things I swore I was going to accomplish. Wow! How am I ever going to start getting up at 5:30 again? How will I get the kids up? What if I have some meanie parent who hates me? How will I handle all the challenges I'm facing this year in the classroom? How many kids are they going to cram in my room this year? Is my room really ready? Am I?
Of course we're never really "ready" I don't think. We just have to prepare as much as possible and be ready to roll with the punches. Punches that seem to keep coming faster & harder sometimes. I don't know how anyone could be a teacher without feeling it was some sort of higher calling. I mean why would you put yourself through all that just for a measly paycheck? Answer is - you wouldn't. This kind of job you have to love. You can kinda hate it sometimes too and definately not always like it, but you always have to love it deep down. You love the kids, you love the job.. maybe not all the junk that comes with the job, but you just love teaching. This job you have to filter out the negative and look for the good. Me personally, I have to look for God. I have to pray for each student I have and ask for blessings for them and their families. I ask Him to renew my love for each child each morning knowing that I simply could not do this without Him.
As each evening draws to a close now, this second week of August, I get the butterflies. I get the feeling of having so much to do very soon and so little time to do it. I am overwhelmed with what if's and fears. I stare off into space when someone is talking to me because I'm lost in my head thinking of what I want to do to set the tone for the year on the first day. I can't concentrate on my grocery shopping list because I'm caught up with finding new fun things for my treat drawer. My chest is tight and I'm light headed and then I realize I've forgotten to breathe. I think that's the key to starting a new school year. I need to ask God to remind me to breathe, to take things one step at a time, and that He will give me the tools to do the job He has called me to do.
"..in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:37
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
This is the battle the Israelites were fighting when God parted the Red Sea and beat the Philistines. Moses only had to have Faith! I love when Faith is all that is required don't you?
Then further along in Exodus you find another kind of battle for Moses. The Amalekites attacked. Now this fight required more than Faith, it also required action. Moses said that he would stand on the top of the hill with the staff of God in his hands. As the battle ensued Moses held up his hands as he said he would. When they were raised, the Israelites were winning. When he grew weary and lowered them, they were losing. Now, my favorite part of this story is that Moses wasn't alone. He had two friends with him who brought him a stone to sit on and when he could hold up his arms no longer, they each took one and held them up for him.
"Aaron and Hur held his hands up-one on one side, one on the other- so that his hands remained steady til sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword." Exodus 17:12-13
When we are focused on God and have our hands raised to the sky, we are winning our battles aren't we? But when we grow weary and lose focus we start to lose. If you're like me, you're wondering now 'where are the Aaron & Hur's in my life?' Who comes and holds up your hands for you when you can no longer do it alone? Who strengthens and supports you and prays for you and with you? Who speaks truth to you and stays with you until the battle is won?
Well, first of all, someone can't be that for you unless you let them. If you don't share your struggles with them how will they even know you need them?
Secondly, are you being an Aaron in someone else's life? You're not always the Moses ya know. In some stories you're the supporting cast not the leading role.
The night before Jesus was arrested He called on His disciples to stand watch & pray. He wanted them to help Him hold His hands up. What did the disciples do? Do you know? They fell asleep! There are times we might find that we are alone as well. Perhaps the people in our lives are "asleep." We can do as Jesus did and overcome by the Grace of God. He prayed, he spoke scripture, He praised God, He did not engage in temptation but kept His focus solely on Heaven.. and He cried out to God.
"And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." Luke 22:44
We can persevere even if we don't have an Aaron or Hur handy at the moment. It requires more passion and focus and prayer, for sure. But it can be done. How blessed are we though, to have a friend by our side to fight our spiritual battles with us and us for them.
"By yourself you're unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped." Ecclesiastes 4:12 MSG
Monday, August 3, 2009
"I call upon the Lord and He answers me, He will calm all my fears." Psalms 34:4
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