The Chapter I Would've Chosen to Skip

Looking back on 2017 I find that the month of October just doesn't fit. It's in it's own category. It doesn't fit into my life..and maybe that's the point.
I started PT this week and had to start from the beginning and tell the whole story. So I thought I'd document it before I forget the details, before I lose the story.
On October 3rd I had a pretty minor procedure done in outpatient surgery. The next day back home and rested I was feeling great. Friends visited and I was sure I would be recovered in no time. That afternoon I loaded my kids up in the car commenting on how wore out and achy I felt and thinking I've overdone it and probably should've taken a nap. By the time I got to town dropping one kid off and headed to my next location I began to feel like my skin was burning and I was struggling to drive. I got to our gym and lay down in the lounge. I was shaking and crying and curled up in a ball by this point. My husband came and said he was taking me home. He left his classes and took me back to bed. He checked my temperature and it was 104. He called my doctor's office and talked with them about all of this. They wanted me to come back and start iv antibiotics but was worried about me making the 2 hour drive. It was decided I was going to the ER instead. There they ran the usual tests and blood work, started an iv with fluids and Tylenol and decided I should start taking antibiotics. My white blood cell count was only slightly elevated so the antibiotic was said to be in case it was an infection. I got home and ate so that I would not be taking it on an empty stomach and went to bed. Within the hour I was violently ill. I could not keep anything down. My stomach hurt all night and my temperature peaked and broke over and over. It was a long miserable night and I got very little sleep.
 We had made an appointment with a local doctor for the next day so I stayed in bed until it was time to go. They ran more tests & sent me back to the hospital for more blood work. My temperature was running around 102 now with alternating Tylenol & Motrin. I had tried to eat but had no appetite. My blood pressure was low and my white blood cell count had lowered. This doctor gave me a rocephin shot and started me on a new antibiotic & something for nausea. As we were leaving they told us to watch my blood pressure getting any lower.
We got home and I took more meds & went back to bed. By this time everything hurt and I was very adamatly not getting out of bed again. I vaguely remember my husband & my mother-in-law checking my blood pressure and stressing over it. Apparently he drove back to town to buy another blood pressure cuff and back home to check it again. Having a bad feeling he kept checking it. When he loaded me back up in his truck I told him I've never been this sick my whole life. He got me to the ER where they said I was septic and admitted me into ICU because my blood pressure was dangerously low. I had actually pleaded with the doctor that I was able to keep this new antibiotic down so surely I could just go home and sleep. This doctor informed me that would not be happening.
 Things started moving quickly then. I was started on bags of fluids, iv antibiotics & pain meds. I just remember not being able to open up my eyes without pain and feeling so dizzy and disoriented. I remember being rolled around in the wheel chair and wanting to throw myself out of it. I couldn't answer the doctor's questions. I was despondent.
My parents had driven 2 hours to meet us at the hospital. My mom & husband spent the night in recliners in my room. It was now Oct. 6th. I was getting chest x-rays, an EKG, ultra sounds on the belly & chest, and more blood work done. Different doctors came in to discuss different scenarios and no one really seem to know what was wrong with me. Friends & family were coming to see me now and I was starting to feel a little better.
By Saturday I was puffy & swollen and could barely bend my fingers. I was sore from all the bedrest but my fever was staying down finally. I was so ready to get out of there. I tried my best to eat and walked some around the nurses station. I had some nerve issues but I figured that would fade once I got home. I wanted the iv out most of all. After I'd received my 9th bag of fluids along with some magnesium, potassium, morphine, and one last round of antibiotics the doctor visited with me about my desire to go home. She'd said I was to be resting at home, taking a new antibiotic she was prescribing me, getting tons of water and to come back if my fever returned. I was then set free and we felt like we'd made it to the end of this crazy ride and were so relieved. I laid in the sun in my backyard just thanking God for getting me through all of that because I sure hadn't done anything.
My mom had decided to stay a few days and do all those wonderful things that moms do. Family & friends had sent flowers, food, messages & prayers so I was feeling the love. I rested and let all the amazing people in my life take care of me, which is no easy task for me. Things were going good and then I discovered I was running a fever. We started watching it. When it hit 101.6 my mom called my husband at the gym and we met him in town at the ER. This being my 3rd ER visit and after all that had just happened I was not happy to be there. The ER doctor told us I'd probably just caught a cold and that I didn't need to come to the ER just because I had a fever. He said my hospital doctor who'd told us that was new and being overly cautious. He checked me for strep & the flu, drew blood and sent me home. This was my breaking point. I was mad. No, I was livid. I continued to run a low grade fever and we all stressed over what that could mean and my people prayed.
Then a miracle happened. I got an appointment with the right doctor. This doctor sent me back to the hospital for more blood work and blood cultures and tests and talked to the other doctors involved. He discovered the specific infection we 'd been battling against, likely introduced into my body from the surgery and it was in my blood. He told us the severity of my condition and that we weren't done yet. He explained the levels of things in my blood and that my low blood cell count was actually an indication that the infection was winning. My body could not fight it off and had given up. He ordered a week of iv antibiotics at the hospital twice a day as well as an oral antibiotic 4x a day. This all felt insane but we were just relieved to finally have some answers.
I went back to the hospital to get my first round of antibiotics in ICU which just happened to be my old room and scheduled to have a midline placed in my arm so that I wouldn't have to get a needle stick each time. (This sounded good to me because I'd definitely had my fill of being a pin cushion.) The next morning it was placed and I got through that reassuring myself it was my last experience of a needle digging around in my sore arms.  I had a tube taped to my arm which was as conspicuous as it was uncomfortable but it sure made the experience a little quicker to already have a port for them to hook into. Spending an hour in the mornings at the hospital and then again every evening plus the car rides back & forth to town was so exhausting for me. It seemed to be all I did each day besides take pills and force myself to eat between naps. I gave up completely and let everyone take care of me and all my daily tasks and take care of my kids and their activities and I just focused on being a good patient.
Then my mom drove me to the hospital one morning and a wasp stung me on the neck. Whoo that hurt. This was my breaking point. I was so ticked off I couldn't see straight. Like are you kidding me?! Being allergic to bee stings it also was a little scary. Luckily the hospital nurse called my doctor who ordered Benadryl right into my iv. With that, Motrin and an ice pack we had it under control.
My days continued in this way until the midline became so painful I wasn't able to sleep at night or move my arm around. I still had 4 rounds of antibiotics to go and I thought I could tough it out. But as the antibiotics were supposed to be going into my arm it burned so much worse than it had that morning and the nurse came back discovering it wasn't really going in well so she removed the 10" long tube from my vein. It was such a relief. I went home that night and finally got to take a shower. It was amazing.
The next morning with my husband and back at the hospital was not amazing. It was now Oct. 17th. My veins were toast. A nurse finished her third attempt to get an iv in and went to get another nurse to take her turn at digging around in my arm. Meanwhile labs had come up to take more blood & cultures. I was so beyond angry at what I was having to endure. I felt so weak and helpless. When the fifth try finally held I was in complete tears at the nurses apologizing. Trying to remember to breathe I had once again reached my breaking point. Then the vein blew. (This is two weeks later that I'm typing this and my arms are still bruised.) It was time for my doctor's appointment so I refused the suggestion of putting an iv in my chest and said they could try that later when I returned that night. Which I didn't.
My doctor took one look at my arms and said that was enough. The blood work looked good and the levels he was watching had declined to within normal range. It had worked. I was to continue on my oral antibiotics and return again the next week. I had a women's retreat scheduled that weekend and he gave consent for me to go. I couldn't believe it. I'd been scared to even hope I'd get to attend. I packed my bags and we left. Surrounded by loved ones I spent more time resting and found my spirit renewed by such an incredible weekend. God had held me through the hard stuff and now He was blessing me with more love, joy & peace than I felt I could hold. He is so good.
Returning home I was finding my joints bothering me more and more and my nerve issues were not going away. My doctor said my body had been on full defense mode and was attacking everything so I guess this isn't surprising. He ordered an MRI, more blood work & consultation with a neurologist. Back to the hospital registration process, back to labs, and another test.
The next week was more appointments and treatments and me attempting to enter back into my crazy life that I'd missed 3 weeks of. I was now driving kids to activities again and teaching a few of my yoga classes. (God bless my partner for handling it all on her own while I was out.) I was blown away at how weak I was. I was discouraged by how easily fatigued I'd become. I saw the doctor again and he tested my strength. That was embarrassing. I have lost weight. Not just the fluid weight I had gained in the hospital but weight from before I got sick. This is so disheartening to someone who fights like crazy to build muscle and was in the best shape of her life just a month ago. Doc is keeping an eye on me and ruling things out so I am grateful.
Now I'm working in PT to feel good about the 8 minutes I went on the bike improved from only 5 the session before. I'm attempting to stretch thru my tight stiff body and not think about how much flexibility I've lost from all this. I'm trying to accept myself the way I am now and not feel the loss of where I was. It doesn't even feel like my body. I'm trying to focus on strengthening little by little. Taking it one day at a time.
It's now November.  I smile when people ask if I'm feeling better because then I can say emphatically YES, SO MUCH BETTER! But once in awhile I get asked if I'm back to 100% and I hesitate. Deep down I wonder if 100% will ever come, or if I just have a new 100%. My doctor says it could take months before I'll feel back to normal and longer to feel as healthy as I was before this hit so I'm trying to be patient. I'm at the struggle of knowing how far to push myself and when I need to rest. I am so wiped out from this experience it's like my legs were kicked out from under me and I smacked hard on the concrete straight on my face. Picking myself back up and starting to stagger forward again has been the most humbling experience of my life. I've found myself incapable of 'toughing it out' or 'pushing through' or even multitasking. It has been a month of not handling things or being on top of my to-dos and just depending on others. My natural inclination is to jump out of bed each morning and hit the ground running because I have a lot of catching up to do. Each day I find that not happening. I have sure been shown how loved I am though. Loved by my people, and loved by my amazing Heavenly Father. I have felt surrounded in prayer and that is an amazing feeling.

If I were in charge of writing the book of my life this is likely a chapter I would've chosen to leave out. I don't like pain and it was hard. It didn't show me strong and competent and achieving things. But the truth is it's not my story. It's not about me. The story is about Jesus. This is what I claim and pray so this is me living it out. I know God has a purpose and a plan for everything and so I trust Him to make straight my path. I don't need to understand it. I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus. And so I follow, and turn the page..ready for the next chapter.

Sepsis

Ok. I've debated this lol but feel I can't call myself a writer if I avoid the hard stuff so..here we are. First picture is my BP starting to bottom out on Thursday in ICU, second is after 4 bags of fluids I believe and things starting to stabilize on Friday, third is today after the remaining 5 bags of fluids, meds, etc and happy to be home. At least my face is looking a little better lol. Anyway, just have this on my heart to share. No matter how healthy and fit you are things happen. You are not God. You are not in control even when it starts to feel that way. Injuries happen, potentially deadly infections happen, diseases happen, accidents happen, mass-casualty incidents happen. You cannot stop these things because they are a part of this broken world. 

I find it ironic that I take such care to use natural products and eat clean as I can and pride myself on being as healthy as I can. Notice the word PRIDE. Now, I'm not saying these things are bad at all! They're great, but don't find your identity in being healthy or looking good because when something happens and this is taken from you you'll be devastated & lost & won't know who you are anymore. My identity rests in the only safe place and that is that I am a child of God. That can never be shaken. No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand. So, yes I'm out of commission for awhile and yes I've had more chemicals & radiation & medication pumped into me than I would have allowed in more than a decade and yes I'm eating absolutely anything I can keep down right now and yes my yoga practice has come to a screeching halt.. BUT GOD. He remains. So I am not moved. I can look like this with 10 pounds of swelling, no hiding my flaws or really having any physical beauty to display, lol, and I can still be confident in my beauty through the power of the Holy Spirit inside of me. Jesus is the most beautiful thing ever created and I am joined to Him. THAT is all I need. Nothing in this shallow world can touch a woman who is Deeply Planted in her Lord & Savior 😉😘 

So shine your beautiful light my friends, and make sure it shines from within.

A Story I Once Heard in My Heart

I know the truth about who you are and who you’re meant to be. You’ve been sitting in a jail cell in this alien world your whole life. But the door is open. You could walk out at any time if only you could see. Others have told you but you laughed at them. And the jailer has convinced you the jail is really a paradise. It is the great lie. The Father of Lies has tainted your heart to where you believe you love your cell. He feeds you with delicacies and controls your mind with pleasures and you frolic about in your cell laughing & dancing all the while never realizing you are a slave and your life is wasting away.

In the next cell is another creature. You, sir, toil away digging and digging while scowling at the merriment going on around you. Don’t they see there’s work to be done. You aren’t happy here in the cell and you aren’t distracted by momentary fun. You are working for that something more you believe is outside. Others have told you the door is open but you laughed at them. Nothing good comes without discipline you say. So you work harder and harder convinced of your own ability to find a way out. If you want something done right you have to do it yourself. You bury yourself in your work and scoff at the incompetence of your inmates.

Suddenly a light shines into the cell deep into the darkness all around. Everyone is too distracted with themselves to notice. But the light persists. A quiet creature creeps out of the back of the cell not knowing if what they’re seeing is real. Drawn by the beauty & warmth of this glorious light he creeps closer, tentatively, sure he will ruin it by getting too close. But as he draws nearer and nearer the light only grows stronger. He realizes this light has led him to the door. He stands in amazement to see the light showing him that the door really is open! He struggles to believe it. He has tried all sorts of ways of managing his distaste for the jail feeling there must be something wrong with him. He doesn’t find fulfillment in the loves of this world or in the toiling and he’s felt he’s never quite belonged. He steps through surprised at how easily he walks out and how the darkness fades away.

Outside of this cell the glorious light has warmed his heart as the hardness melts. He has become a new creature. Now a new kind of love fills him and he feels safe, hopeful.. FREE. Basking in this warm light he can only barely hear the calling of his name as he continues to walk away. 

Once he has been filled with the light he remembers all the people he left behind. He must go tell them the good news! The door is open! You are FREE! He runs back into the darkness and tries to tell them and they laugh at him. “Yes of course the light, we all know about the light” they say and they turn away. “But have you seen it?! Have you followed it?!” You cry out again and again. You leave again in your discouragement and the jailer laughs and tells you you’re wasting your time. You decide maybe he’s right.

Back in the glorious glow of the light you feel you must try again. This time you take a little bit of that light into you to show the others. This gets some attention. Tell me more about the light some say. And so you hold it out to them and some take it and follow and some don’t. You go out and in. Taking the light with you each time. 

Sometimes you get so captivated in the light you forget about freeing the others. But now you start to see you’ve been surrounded by more people carrying the light, more escapees and they too venture in & out of the jail cell with you. The jailer starts to notice this and tries to put things in your way to prevent you from going in and out. He brings about temptations of things that you find hard to walk away from. Sometimes he wins. Sometimes you do. But you keep going back into the light. The light feeds you, it strengthens you. It shines out ahead of you to direct your steps. The light starts to spread through you so that now you can stay shining in the darkness for longer. And so you stay in the darkness so that others can see the light. And your life has been given up to follow the light for the sake of the others. 

Inspired by: “You Will Go Free”

You’ve been a prisoner, baby.

Been a prisoner all your life.

Held captive in an alien world where they hold your need for love to your throat like a knife.

And they make you jump.

And they make you do tricks. 

They take what started off such an innocent heart, and they break it, and break it, and break it until it almost can’t be fixed.

Well I don’t know when and I don’t know how, 

I don’t know how long it’s gonna take,

I don’t know how hard it will be, but I know you will go free.

Now you can call it the devil, call it the big lie,

Call it a fallen world, whatever it is, it ruins almost everything we try.

It’s the sins of the fathers, yeah, and it’s the choices we make, 

It’s people screaming without making a sound, from prison cells in paradise where we’re chained to our mistakes. 

And I don’t know when and I don’t know how,

I don’t know how much it’s gonna cost you, probably everything.

I know you will go free.

You can’t see a jailer, you can’t see the bar,

You can’t turn your head around fast enough, but it’s everywhere you are,

It’s all around you,

Everywhere you walk, these prison walls surround you.

But in the midst of all his darkness, yeah, in the middle of the night.

I see the truth cut through this curtain like a laser, like a pure and holy light.

And I know I can’t touch you now, yeah, and I don’t want to speak too soon,

But when we get sprung from out these cages, baby, God knows what we might do.

But I don’t know when and I don’t know how, yeah,

I don’t know if you’ll be leaving alone or you’ll be leaving with me,

But I know you will go free.

I know the truth will set you free,

The truth about who you are 

The truth about who you were always meant to be,

Yeah, you will go free.

Tonio K

Exhortation

I notice everything. Things others don’t see stick out to me like a sore thumb. Sometimes I wish I didn’t because most of the time there’s nothing I can do. Most of the time the person who I’ve noticed things about doesn’t even notice it themselves. They can be in denial or are justifying it somehow. I’ve become aware this may be a gift, actually, and that maybe I just haven’t figured out how to properly use It yet. 

I’ve done some reading on spiritual gifts lately and it appears to be the gift of exhortation. I’m good with the lifting up and encouraging of friends because who doesn’t love to do that? But challenging or rebuking?

I’ve often had friends tell me before that I “just know” things. There’s times when a person is laid on my heart and praying for them isn’t enough for me to feel at peace over it. I seek them out and just tell them I love them but inevitably I end up giving advice. God has used me in people’s lives, sometimes even people I don't know very well. My pitfall is feeling I should be able to save them or fix it somehow in that moment. I have to learn to say I don't have all the answers but I know the one who does. I have finally learned that simply pointing them to their real Savior is my role here. He gets the glory, not me.

I want to be liked of course, everyone does, but I have to continually get over that. There’s many times I’ve tried to “speak the truth in love” and that person definitely did NOT want to hear it. It’s a practice of being honest when asked but shutting my mouth when not asked. If they don’t want to hear it they’ll stop asking I figure. But this is not always the case. I have said too much at times of this I am sure. It’s not that they thought I would lie to them (most people know that I won’t) it’s because they really hold tight to “their truth” and since I love them I must agree with them or I must not love them after all. People don’t always understand that as a believer it actually does make sense to love people you don’t agree with.

The other dilemma comes from believers that aren’t living in truth. Deep down they know and it’s making them miserable but they aren’t ready to receive it. This is a good time to practice that whole not being liked thing because they definitely aren’t going to like you. The most important thing to remember I think is that God’s timing is everything. He is not rushed or frantic because He has it all worked out already. Trust in Him and you don’t have to worry so much. Pray for them faithfully and trust Him to move. He can do more in their hearts in a second that you could do in a million perfectly written lectures.

A side note to that is that believers also don’t like to be reminded unless it is in the right time & context or say, you’re their pastor. And some, not even then. Again, more practice here. Reminding others of what they already know is a big part of exhortation. They may feel the need to interrupt, act irritated or say “I KNOW” but their response is not how my obedience is measured. Exhorting is. Am I prayerfully considering how to handle every opportunity God places in front of me and trusting Him to give me the words?

It goes back to being surrendered to Jesus and giving up my own life. Not what Shannon would say or what Shannon would do but learning to truly listen for God’s voice and leading. A beautiful God-fearing woman once said that Christians are just beggars telling other beggars where to find food. Yes, girl. Viewing ourselves rightly, with humility, is a must to being used by God. Pride & ego wreck everything.

It’s when we begin to recognize our pride and how great it is that we become even more surrendered. It takes a lot of dependance, time in the word, in prayer, in HIs presence to battle against it. This means “forfeiting our right to be offended by others.” I just so happen to be reading Unoffendable right now (I don’t believe in coincidences just FYI, but in His design.)

"When we do this, we’ll be making a sacrifice that’s very pleasing to God. It strikes at our very pride. It forces us not only to think about humility, but to actually be humble."

Oh that we would be humble, my friends. That we might hear His voice everywhere. That we might actually receive it, submit and follow. It is the answer we’re all looking for and it changes us..which changes everything.

Wonder if your spiritual gift might be exhortation? Find more here: 

http://iblp.org/questions/what-spiritual-gift-exhorting 

How to really, really, really love Jesus..and not drive people absolutely crazy.. (I’m still learning)

When I was in sixth grade I had bossed my way into being the leader of a particular group of kids that I had established as my “club.” I was very active in my church and Teens-4-Christ organization that met in the mornings and was proudly leading (okay, pushing) all my friends to do the same. I had a small navy Bible I was carrying around in my backpack and a silver cross around my neck. I do not believe this is what caused the drama that ensued however it is what my friend accused me with. 

It came out of nowhere to me at the time but looking back in my wisdom of today (eyes rolling here folks) I can imagine that it had been building while I was oblivious to this fact. The moment I realized there was a problem was when my ‘very bestest friend in the whole wide world’ informed me that I was being too damned God-y and everybody was sick of it. My 12-year-old self was shocked by this. She proceeded to tell me to knock it off and I believe I argued (of course I did) and then we had our falling out. Our group split in two and the next few days at school consisted (in my memory) of a lot of walking around and past each other with our noses in the air. (Anyone else feel like 12-year-old friendship sounds an awful lot like adult-ish friendship sometimes?) 

So anyway I can’t remember much from there except that when we found out I was moving away a few months later all was forgiven and we were busy focusing on how devastated we were to be forced to separate the deepest most bestest friendship ever. I think this memory sticks with me so much because I have experienced it, in varying degrees, over and over again my whole life. 

When you are like me (which, I’ve found most people aren't and that’s kind of the point isn’t it) you find yourself clinging to the concept of another world. A world that is the opposite of the one you’re in makes sense when it’s so apparently obvious that you simply do not belong in the one you’re in. Feeling like you just don’t fit in here, anywhere really, or even have any interest in this world can tempt you to “check-out”. I have definitely struggled with that. I want to bury myself in a book or in solitude, in prayer, in music. I want to seek out the spiritual world leaving this one behind. Or, in other times, I have actually tried to absorb myself in the world and lost myself there to new identities in relationships. None of it is what I would call healthy. 

My problem has often been that I took it too deep, too heavy, too extreme for other’s liking. I don’t consider myself an extremist with most things, but when it’s come to God I apparently am. When God calls my heart I find myself abandoning everything else to seek Him and losing sight of anything on this earth. I think it is because it is what I truly long for. When truth is revealed to me I must revel in it and I will admit I find it bursting out of me and onto whoever is in my path. I struggle with being socially acceptable. I just don’t seem to really care. I am laughing as I say that! But I do care about pushing people away. Not necessarily even from me but from God. I don’t want to misrepresent in some way or lead others to a dislike of spiritual things so I know I need to reign it in sometimes. 

Like the title says I’m still learning how to do this. One thing I’ve learned is that people will accept spiritual truths where it is expected in places like churches so location seems to be important. Another key is timing. You can discuss deep things on Sunday mornings but on a Monday afternoon people are less open to it. Oh, also if an important person like say a celebrity says ‘God is good’ they will cheer that so if you’re not Justin Bieber status you may need to hold off. And another opening is to be a trendy popular book of the moment with like a one-word title so maybe try writing one of those. The last thing I would mention is that you’ll have to keep the spiritual talk to short brief statements and then switch back to the secular life around you before you make someone mad. 

(My usual attempt at humor that somehow comes out as snarky)-ness aside I do love the people in this world. I think this is why it’s so important for us to have Christ-centered relationships. I can love people and do life with them and then when I get to gather on a Saturday morning at Dusty’s house and do Jesus with them and focus on being Deeply Planted in the Word I can let my soul sing as we dive deeper and deeper into the kind of connection a women’s ministry can truly bring. Thank you, Sister!

I could go on..and on & on.. but I’ll save that for the chapter ;) and end the blog post here. To sum up, loving Jesus means loving others and you can’t love others by preaching to them (unless you are in fact a preacher and it is in fact Sunday morning and now we’re back to what I pointed out before.) To love others means to care about what hurts them, excites them, encourages them. It means to serve. It is yet another way to die to self and to self-righteousness. And you CAN do this by His strength and all for His Glory.

Doubt

I find myself battling doubts more than I ever have now. It feels strange to be questioning things in my mind that I've known my whole life as truth while my heart is more overtaken than ever before. I guess it is easier to claim belief while running about living your own life than it is to rest in that belief when you've actually handed your life over and given up the reins. Just like you can say you trust the rope but you can't really prove it until you've bailed off the cliff.

Now I have a rushing feeling that bounces between exhilaration & fear and I am clinging to my driver, holding onto that rope with all my might. I remind myself this too is by His design. Now I see verses such as 2 Timothy 1:7 differently.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 

I no longer think of my social anxiety when I read this. Fear isn't defined in terms of "will people like me" anymore. I now think of the doubts and fears that the Enemy stirs up in me to make me second guess. I think of Eternity and separation from God and falling away and my sin. I truly only fear not feeling the way I do now and losing the closeness in my relationship with my Lord. It all makes my previous existence feel so shallow to me. 

I suppose it to be like when someone goes through an illness, a death, a trauma - a loss of some kind and now looks at their previous concerns as frivilous wasted energy. It reminds me of the memes that say "all I want for Christmas is a cure for cancer." It also makes me see how powerful our desires can feel to us in one moment.. that is, until we find ourselves wanting so much more.
It reminds me of C. S. Lewis in Weight of Glory.

  "It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

I am not so easily pleased. I want more. SO much more. And what I want is so much bigger than me. 

I cannot be content with my happiness when what I want is joy. I will not be satisfied by worldly riches when what I seek is Heaven. I cannot be appeased with achievements, attention, likes or accolades when I'm seeking God's Glory. 

So when my mind starts playing tricks on me and has me questioning I remind myself that there is no good for me apart from God. (Psalms 16:2) I will not ever be satisfied by a lesser existence than living for Christ. Living for myself will only make me miserable. I am not a good god to myself! Once you've seen the best you won't be content with less. Once you've seen the Glory of the Lord you can't be happy glorifying anything else. So I forsake myself for the sake of myself. (Thank you, JR Vassar) And even more than that, I do it for the Supreme God of the universe who loved me enough to save me from myself in the first place. 

"For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:36

No Surprise

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.” 1 Peter 4:12

Definitely a go-to verse for me. I have to remind myself over and over that struggles are the norm not a strange thing here on earth. I think it’s because when there is an absence of strife or conflict it feels so free and easy to live out a good life full of love. And then gazing on the glory of Christ can make you feel invincible, like you’d gladly go to death for Him! And you so mean it when you say it too. The hard thing is death isn’t the hard part. Not really. Think about how many people you know who would likely say they’d die for you. Do they live for you? Of course not. Nor should they.

Not only are we supposed to give up our life for Christ, we are to give up our lives. There’s such a difference there. Giving up our lives means turning our will over to His. It means denying the flesh, dying to self everyday, refusing sin when it starts creeping in, turning away from the easy road to take the high road and so much more. So dying in the name of God I think I can handle, but when I feel attacked or overwhelmed and Satan has me in his sights I find living for Christ so much harder. I KNOW the victory is won and yet I can still doubt & waiver in my emotions or in my thoughts. 

I tend toward despairing. I hate that about myself. Self-pity can slide in almost unnoticed. I have to fight it. I feel the hurt in my heart swell and threaten to swallow me up. This is how my heart got so hard. I have never known how to fight hurt without protecting myself from it happening again. I have to build a wall. I have to go inside of myself, nurse my wounds and hide away.

But Jesus.

Instead of letting this new hurt bring back all the old hurt and take me back down this road I am refusing to stay there. I have resolved to move past it. I have learned from this. I will grow from this. I do not have to let this person have any power in my life or drag me down with them. My sympathy is not wasted, it simply shows I have a kind-heart. I can leave this situation following God to His purpose in it. I am no one’s savior nor am I expected to be. I have tried. Probably more than I should have. I can let it all go in peace.

That’s what my mind is proclaiming right now but I know I cannot do this in my own strength. I will return to praying over it all and trust the Lord to fight for me. I will look away from this and turn my eyes to Him, only to Him. I will be still.

So I cried it out, wrote it out and opened my Bible up randomly and asking God to speak to me He gave me Psalms 69:20-30.. and as I read through all the wishes for thine enemies I felt my heart say “No, God, I don’t wish this. I don’t want to hurt them I just want freedom from my hurt” and I came to the end of the page where it read:

“But I am afflicted and in pain; let your salvation, O God, set me on high! I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving.” 

And that’s exactly what I intend to do.

The Problem is..

Every problem is rooted in sin.The problem actually IS sin. Whether it’s their sin, your sin, it’s all sin and it’s at the foundation of every conflict, hurt feeling, misunderstanding, and unloving act. Sin is our problem. It’s your problem.

Do you feel something in you that wants to flee right now? What if I said this to your face? Would you receive it?

It is in our nature to fight against it. We seem to want to point fingers, blame circumstances..it’s not us, it’s them. We have no sin, right? Of course not. Most people will admit that they are a sinner, but they will not own up to their actual sins. Instead we justify it, make light of it, try to explain it away. We call it a short-coming or maybe just a mistake. And everyone makes mistakes.

Why are we so adamant to deny our sin? Satan is the Father of lies. 

I just listened to a John Bevere video clip explaining that Hell was created for Satan not for man. It was a place for him & his angels. So he is out to deceive and mislead as many of us as he can to join him there. 

A way to think of it may be: It’s the “only thing he has in his life.” Have you ever heard someone use this phrase? Someone is gossipy because they’re bored with their own life. They stir up drama because they have nothing going for them. That’s how I like to think of the Devil. He knows he loses. He knows his fate. So what does he do? He seeks to stir up strife and drama and hate and lead as many astray as possible.  

And you know what his prime target very well may be? Our sin. “Oh it’s not that bad” the thought goes through your mind. I’m definitely a better person than ol so & so. Satan will deceive you and your fleshly pride will say YES that’s right…I’m really a “good person.” Sin isn’t my problem really, it’s dealing with other people’s shortcomings, that is my problem. Notice there that we don’t necessarily want to even label other’s sin sometimes. If it’s someone we care about we especially would rather say it’s something they might have a problem with. 

Christians what if the solution is rooting out, confessing and repenting of all sin, no matter how small it may seem to be in us? What if that word.. SIN.. should be used more boldly? What if making light of sin IS a sin? 

Why not try this: whatever your issue is at the moment, stop analyzing and thinking, and instead of hiding your sin away and refusing to face it actually start seeking it out! Pray to God to reveal your sin to you. Pray that God will help you see the sickness in the heart that is leading you away from Him. Pray to repent of your sins and kill the flesh, the ego, your pride more and more each day. Pray that God would make you MORE sensitive to spying sin in yourself from the start while it still feels "small" to you and not let you make light of it ever again! What power is in that?!

Because deep down, friends, every problem is SIN.. and every problem starts right in the heart. 

And the good news is:

 the answer is 

JESUS.

"Search me O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" Psalms 139:23-24

"if I have concealed my transgressions as others do by hiding my iniquity in my heart," Job 31:33

"Would not God discover this? For He knows the secrets of the heart." Psalms 44:21

"And he did evil, for he did not set his heart to seek the Lord." 2 Chronicles 12:14

"If you prepare your heart, you will stretch out your hands toward him" Job 11:13

The Heart

With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! 

Psalms 119:10

I used to read verses like this and deep down question myself. Not knowing how exactly to "seek with my whole heart" I would think it must mean I should pray more and read my Bible more. I would look for what I could DO to make this be true of me. My intentions were good, I just didn't understand. 

My problem wasn't for lack of effort really, besides the fact that I only gave God maybe 2% of my time in the grand scheme of things. But I was earnest in my efforts. What was missing was my heart. I knew in my mind the truth and I knew I wanted to follow God's Word. I knew right from wrong and good from evil. So I thought. 

When God took ahold of my heart and called it I found out how little I KNEW anything at all. My heart bent to His Will and I surrendered. This is when I began to seek Him with all my heart. Now I find my efforts simply following my desires. Same as before, I do what I want to do. We all do honestly. The difference is I want something else now. I seek after what I truly want. THE LORD. I have lost interest in this world and have to force myself to put my Bible down the way I used to have to force myself off of Facebook or away from Grey's Anatomy. Jesus has replaced everything else in my life! 

This is obviously NOT something I could have done for myself. I could not have disciplined myself enough to change what I really wanted no matter how hard I've tried to deny my emotions, feelings & reactions. The only thing required of me was to stop trying. I had to SEE that I could not change my heart myself. I had to SURRENDER my life, my control, my self, my will over to God. 100% of it. And even this I didn't do in my own efforts. God led me here. He orchestrated every event that finally broke down my stubborn pride. He quieted my mind over time. He romanced me with His beauty. He brought truth-tellers into my path. He softened my heart and put it in a posture of repentance. He did all of this with my mind scurrying along behind trying desperately to keep up! 

One thing I see in this is that God doesn't work the way we do. He loves to do things differently than we expect. He loves to surprise us. He takes an intellectual, wordy, nerdy girl who leads with her head believing in instinct over the foolish heart and grabs hold of that foolish heart squeezing it just so much as to make her cry out and feel the release of it's walls crashing down in a moment. And when her fear and horror peak He soothes her troubled soul giving her just what she's sought after her whole life. 

I have found the source of all truth and depth and light and peace. I will drink at this well growing more thirsty and yet more satisfied for the rest of my life.

And everything has changed

I find it so hard to put this into words because it's so big, but I can try to sum it up by saying The Unedited Retreat pricked my heart & put me in a posture to truly hear from the Lord. And I am so grateful.

My testimony begins last year at Pine Cove Family Camp when a verse struck me, hard. - Gal 2:20. Not that I hadn't heard it before but that maybe I felt it deeper. 

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭2:20‬ ‭ESV‬‬

http://bible.com/59/gal.2.20.esv

No life of my own? Had I really been living that way? Complete surrender? I started "trying harder" after that.

I attended another Unedited Movement event in the fall with my eternity-friends. 😊 I came home & begged Mike to go with me to visit our Pastor. By God's grace my heart was dug up from where it had been buried under a mountain of hurt, rejection, fear & resentment. I had hidden it away in the guise of self-protection. With this huge weight lifted off of me I began to feel things changing.
Then I came across a podcast randomly that was talking about Christ setting you free from "trying" & learning to rest in the sacrifice of Jesus as your only righteousness. Since then the word FREE has been everywhere for me & strikes my heart each time. So I changed my one word intention and started to notice what a huge theme that had already become in my life. I began to see how much I'd been drawn to that over the past few years in all the changes that had gone on in my life. Verses like John 8:36 & 8:32, Gal 5:1, 1 Peter 2:16 started popping up everywhere and I felt a deeper sense of meaning in them. Inspired by my sister I read the New Testament taking a month to seriously study Revelations (which I felt so much truth revealed in!) Then it was time for the retreat in Washington where I was surrounded by all these beautiful Jesus-loving souls! In prayer after a session I felt God was calling me to listen, to notice. I took that as don't talk so much (ha!) and listen to others, listen to their hearts. I reminded myself that it's not about me or if I fit in & maybe I'm just a supporting role in someone else's story. I wrote in my journal that maybe that's what God was calling me to be is a listener. 

On the flight home I opened up a book I'd been reading with a group that I was two chapters behind on. Where I picked up was hitting literally every topic we'd just discussed at lunch in reflection of the retreat! Since this freaked me out I started slowing down & really paying attention to what I was reading. I felt heavy significance in the words. And honestly felt like truth was being revealed & my eyes opened..maybe for the first time.. 

It said you can't take Jesus as Savior 

...and not accept Him as Lord. 

Basically I felt you're either ALL IN or you're just fooling yourself, Shannon. My mind racing I thought back on my life raised as a Christian knowing right from wrong and choosing right so I don't get in trouble, disappoint anyone or have someone mad at me. But where in my life did I see me actually giving up my self for Christ's life in me? Did I have a real relationship with Jesus? Or did I just mentally know all this information? The book said Belief in Jesus is not just acknowledging He is real (even the demons do that and they shudder) but instead it's complete repentance that yes MY SIN really is THAT BAD that Jesus had to DIE in such a horrific way to cover it and that no amount of "good" from me fits in that equation. I am completely unworthy of that forgiveness & salvation (my best efforts from me being like filthy rags.) I can not add to or take away from Jesus' sacrifice. It is finished.

I felt everything shift inside in this acceptance. I fully realized my ONLY hope of salvation is in what Jesus did. I can DO nothing. (This information is not new to my mind at all but now I feel it in my very being..like my heart & soul has finally fully absorbed it.) I see now two categories of hearts - those who live to Christ, seeking Jesus as Lord of all and.. those that don't. I see now. And I know I've lived all this time somewhere in the in between. 

They will be known by their fruit. Jesus is my atoning sacrifice. I asked myself are you seeking Jesus as Lord over your life? Or are you dead in your sin, still living to self? Are you just basically "a good person" and "trying hard" and hoping that'll be enough? How do you measure what is enough anyway? Where are you resting? God is telling me that when you truly "get it" your heart responds in obedience and you don't have to seek out conviction for your "lapse in judgement" or cry over your guilt for messing up (because there is none.) There's only Jesus. A part of me feels like why on earth did someone not explain this epic significant difference to me before?! But I know it was God's timing to reveal it to my heart little by little over the past year and it was on the plane that I finally fully received it..and repented.

Honestly if I hadn't gone to that retreat before I read over those chapters I think I would have skimmed right past it & missed God's call. My heart had to be willing to LISTEN. 

This feels so crazy to me to say because I got saved & babptized at age six and have felt sure of my belief, salvation & faith my whole life (even in the depths of living in sinful rebellion for years I've always felt like surely I was "okay.") I remember the first time the concept of having an actual relationship with Jesus dug into me & I remedied that by simply saying His name in my prayers instead of just Dear Heavenly Father. 

It's taken me so many years of God revealing truth, breaking down my walls, shining light into the darkness.. and overcoming panic attacks, depression/anxiety, learning to forgive, even the people who most wounded me and feeling the freedom from that..that God finally made enough space in my heart to open me up to reveal His Glory. Thank you, Jesus. This experience all feels so surreal and at the same time is the truest thing I've ever known. My whole life, in every area & season I have never quite felt in (anywhere) ..and now I know that I am. And there is peace. And what is important has changed. I get it now. And for the first time, I have a testimony to tell.

Speak up. Say it. Just be honest. It's not as hard as it seems. And it gets a little easier the more you practice it. Be straightforward and people will come to respect you for it. Avoiding conflict is only helpful if you can let it go. Harboring hate or hurt leads to conflict eventually anyway and by then it's all built up! 💣😱
Conflict is inevitable because everyone has their own truth & perception & outside influences that WILL clash with someone else's at some point. But getting everything out on the table at least opens you up to forgiveness, grace, peace and the possibility of reconciliation which are a necessity in any real relationship. 💯💙
It's easy to be blinded by your pain but since everyone will hurt you, let you down, disappoint you, get mad at you, be irritated with you, do things you wish they wouldn't, mistreat you, not meet your expectations in some way, exclude you, or take you for granted at some point you might as well learn to resolve issues, forgive and love the people God gives you. Otherwise your options are to live bitterly, shallowly, or alone. Ick.
You can only do so much, I know, but at least you can know you tried. And you can learn..and grow from it.
God gives you the people you need and even the most difficult people are there for a reason. Guard your heart - watch it, scan it, know the condition of it- not cage it off but ask God to heal it, renew it. When your heart is not in a good place it taints everything you say & do. We can't keep our joy in that state and that's exactly where Satan wants to keep us.
Awareness helps us to fully embrace life. Be authentic. Remember what really matters. Look for the bigger picture. Get some perspective from a truthful person you trust. And always pray.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭51:10‬ ‭ESV‬‬
http://bible.com/59/psa.51.10.esv

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:23‬ ‭ESV‬‬
http://bible.com/59/psa.139.23.esv

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭4:23‬ ‭ESV‬‬
http://bible.com/59/pro.4.23.esv