Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Sometimes you just have to take your personal victory and run with it. Perception is everything. If you conquered something major and it was big even tho no one seems to have noticed, you can't let that steal the victory from you. It is yours. God gave you the power to accomplish that! You can't let people belittle what you know to be right. God saw everything. He gave you the strength, the patience, the grace to get thru it. He saw your faithfulness. It is in Him that your sense of accomplishment should lie. If you did it all to His Glory then why does recognition even matter anyway? It doesn't!
What happens after your role has been played shouldn't affect you. You did your part, now let it go. So what if you had it hard and others don't even acknowledge it. You have labored without being praised for it. Doesn't it say in the Bible that if you are seen & praised then you have received your reward in full? I'd definitely rather have what God gives than man!

Matthew 6:4 NIV
so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you

Colossians 3:24 NIV
since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving

Jeremiah 17:10 NIV
“I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.”

“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

"I did not run or labor for nothing." Phil 2:16
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people," Gal 6:9-10
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corin 12:8-10
"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matt 6:20-21


Monday, September 27, 2010

Just a Dream

I had a dream the other night that I was dying. I don't remember many details, just that I was growing weaker each day and that I had limited time left. It was a deep and emotional dream. I had little get-togethers with different groups of people to say my goodbyes. I had so much I needed to say and do before I'd be ready. I gathered all my girls around me, telling them that I would depend on them to take care of my grieving family. I explained how I wanted the funeral to be and they each volunteered different things to take care of the arrangements. It was very formal, very business. I was not afraid, but I was hurting over the thought of motherless children. My sub-conscious must've been unable to grasp that kind of sadness because it didn't dwell on that long. It was eye-opening really. I had so many people I desired final words with.. some I hadn't spoken to in a really long time. My heart goes back to "If I had only known." I think in my dream I was happy and at peace to have the time to say my goodbyes to every single person in my life. There would not be another one of them taken from me too soon or suddenly. I know, most likely that I will not be so lucky in reality. I can only hope that I've done or said enough now to show how I feel. So many people.. I must be sure not to waste any opportunity.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

Remembering.. and the Regret

Today was my best buddy's birthday. He's laid back, not much for show, just likes to hang out & have a good time. Still I should have done more for him. See I'm just a silly teenager & I don't know yet that the majority of people in this world are too busy and self absorbed and don't really have time for you or what's going on in your life. I have yet to learn how quick people can disappear. I don't see how rare this down-to-earth, selflessly caring, genuine person really is. I don't see that him always being there for me is a thing I shouldn't take for granted. I don't realize how short our time is.. not yet.
And so I laugh with him and talk with him and lean on him when I'm hurting. I let everything be all about me. I let him just drive me around when I'm bawling like a baby over my heart being broken. He comes over and we play hours of Mario Kart until it's late at night and his parent are calling just to make sure he's still here. He smiles and doesn't correct my Grandma when she calls him the wrong name repeatedly asking him to pass the potatoes. :) He's just too kind for that. Oh, the days we drive around this small town in his truck, talking, listening to music, laughing.. so young, so naive, so free though we don't really know it. He pushes me to reconcile with our other friend which I end up being so grateful for.Then it's movies and it's prom and it's graduation. And as time goes by, things start changing. He visits me at college. He rushes me to the hospital when my new friend gets hurt. He is a rock, as always. I return for his graduation. I remember him coming up in the stands to give "his girls" a rose. I remember hugging him and wiping away tears as I beamed over being cared about that much. I remember his sweet thank you note for the graduation gift I'd given him- how he thanked me for being such a good friend. I remember the "committee"! LOL and the memories I have of that crazy time in my life. And then.. I don't like to remember what came next.
Time went by with us in separate places, life moving forward, marriages, babies.. it wasn't long. I'll never forget that day. I was in Wal-Mart with my brand new baby girl. My mom called. She said I'd better sit down.. And I remember feeling so helpless, so far away from what was happening. And our friend calling to update me on his condition. I remember that long drive back to that town then, to say goodbye to my buddy and nothing feeling the same. I remember gripping my sleeping baby and leaning on my Dad's arm as I stood there in shock as it all played out before me. I remember when the regret & remorse hit me and I couldn't stop the tears. I remember a large crowd of faces and how I shook with sobs, in public! So unlike me to show such emotion in front of so many people, but I couldn't stop it. I had taken his friendship for granted. The realization of that cut me deep. I wondered if I had ever hurt him. I wondered if he knew how very much I actually cared about him. I wondered if he knew how much he had done for me. The drive back home was hard. I was left alone with my thoughts and an emptiness.
As the years have gone by I've learned how extremely rare his friendship was. I have become a person with her heart on her sleeve. I sometimes get so overwhelmed with my love & appreciation for the people in my life and HAVE to tell them what they mean to me. I've put my friends high up in my priorities in life and truly value the time we spend together. If only I could go back and be this way with him. But it's too late for that. He's gone.. and on his birthday, that regret comes to pay me a visit.. because I should have done something more. I wish I'd have been a better friend.. the kind of friend he always was to me.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Don't lose Heart

Isn't it Friday yet? I really thought it was. Here it is a short week and I still feel like it's the longest week ever. I know I should not be 'living for the weekends' but I find myself looking forward to the next "thing" coming up with family, friends, celebrations, holidays, anything besides the day to day. I guess when things are just hard, you do what you can to get thru, right? I don't like that. I know that if I had a loved one with a life threatening disease or something I'd feel differently about my precious time. I rush it right now, certainly not being a good steward of the gift of time. Then I mope or drag thru family things at home and wish I'd had more energy to do the things with my kids that I want to do. I feel like I sacrifice so much for this job, and my family does too.. and for what? FOR WHAT?? A measly paycheck? Of course not, but really I can't help but think -where does it get me?
I get to thinking about the bigger picture and what really matters and I wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing after all. I mean, if I'm less of a wife or mother how can that be what God wants for my life? I know I'm only a teacher because I felt God led me to be one, but did He intend the cost? Or am I just slacking? I've seen how He gives me the tools needed for the job, but I pour so much of myself out during the day that I feel like I have nothing left to give when I get home. My patience is gone, my nerves are shot, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted and I just want to SIT DOWN more than anything else in the whole world. The Firefighter tries to pick up my slack, which I am so grateful for, but this "zombie" version of me annoys even me! Every year it's the same thing, my doctor always wants to do a mono check because he's so sure that's what's wrong with me when I come in after school.
I continue to pray about it. Right now I feel like that's where He wants me to be. And I know that He's the one who puts these kids in my life. I will keep giving all I can to finding what each one needs and following God's will. I know He will continue to use me as long as I can keep my heart open. It is, after all, He who I am serving.. and His rewards are great :) for those who do not give up, for those who do not lose heart.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Rainy days bring headaches

Inside recess with 24 kids in a small confined area and a sad little group of worn out puzzles, play-doh, games & lincoln logs.
Rain, thunder & lightening outside of a huge window in the classroom offering a great, tho un-needed, distraction to students who can barely focus for a few minutes anyway.
Waiting in short-sleeves & capris in the cold with about 100 kids under a metal roof with crazy thunder causing high-pitched screaming and the occasional pre-Ker sent to our side to cry hysterically until the lightening & hail sent us back in the building.
Last but not least, loading kids in cars for about 30 minutes getting completely drenched in the process. My Toms got a great bath.


Ping-pong size hail

Oh the drama..
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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Minor Triumph.. Major Reward

Today was a miracle
Today was a triumph
Today I felt like "more than a conqueror!"

Romans 8:37 
No, in all these things we are more than [1 Cor 15:57; John 16:33 ] conquerors through [Gal 2:20; Eph 5:2; Rev 1:5; 3:9] him who loved us!

I wasn't expecting it. I was dreading the challenge. I prayed about it so much and finally decided to believe for God's perfect wisdom and that He would give me the tools to do the job He's called me to do. When faced with fear, uncertainty, doubt, dread, and especially when under attack it's so important to surrender to God's leading. Where I am weak, He makes me strong. I know I can do ALL THINGS thru Christ Jesus, my Savior and Lord! 

It's funny how I am always at my lowest when He comes thru. When I am feeling overwhelmed and defeated, that's when I let go and let God take control the best. What's the saying.. something about realizing as you're on your knees that you're in the best position to PRAY! Well that's where I was.

Yesterday I did that little FB app "On this day, God wants you to know.. 
.. that how bad things may look right now means nothing, - it's how good they can be with God's help that counts. In life you can absolutely count on one thing, - everything can turn around in one day, in one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up, - you might be a moment away from a windfall."

Reading that on my screen took my breath away. What timing! A coincidence? I don't think so! Now, I'm not saying that God always talks to us in this way, but I absolutely know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He's reached me in this way before. And it has even more meaning for me now knowing that I was one day away from my victory!

I cannot believe how easily and completely it came. I went with God's leading and let go of the anxiety that I battle constantly and was simply amazed at the results.
Today, as I marvel at my Maker and His perfect timing and grace, I have this final word that the app gave me as my "message from God" today..

"On this day, God wants you to know ... that if you relax, it comes. Don't seek, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, God shows you the way."


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Happy Birthday Noah Bear!

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I hear sirens.. fire trucks being sent out to another grass fire.. it's been crazy the past two days.. my hubby has been out on one for a long time and must be so tired and hungry. The scanner has gotten quiet finally.. I know I should go to bed, I have to get up in a few hours for school.. but how can I sleep with all those sirens going off? Suddenly I realize that the sirens I'm hearing aren't there at all, they're only in my head. I wish knowing that would make them stop. I close my eyes and and try to push them away searching for the silence I should hear in the quiet of the night. I pray the Lord's protection over the firefighters & peace for their families.. a restful sleep to all. Amen & Goodnight.


Friday, September 3, 2010

My 7 year old

My baby boy is 7 today. 7.. 7... 7.. 7 years old!?!?!?! Those words are hard to form in my mouth. This morning I've attempted to put on makeup with tears streaming down my face. Funny how the little things hit you sometimes. I know he just started 1st grade & all, but it's the saying he's 7.. part that seems to have gotten me. He was just a baby, my sweet baby boy.. and then he wasn't. Suddenly he's this tall, long legged, big footed, hungry whirlwind of energy that doesn't want to stop long enough to give Mom a proper hug. Oh, Lord, prepare me for the letting go part of parenthood.. it's going to be even harder than I thought.


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