Be Careful If You Think You Stand

Being the over-achiever, multitasker that I am I thought I could handle it all. I barely thought about it when faced with the dilemma and just said okay, I'll just cram it in somehow. I'd certainly done this before and having no real idea of what my limitations were I just threw myself into it and said it'll work out..probably.

You see, it was my friend's birthday and I didn't want to miss out. I didn't want to not show up for her. And I couldn't miss the training weekend because it would be almost a year before I could make it up and I was only a few months away from graduating with my RYT-200. So, I went to the late-night bar-hopping scene Friday and got maybe three hours of sleep before driving across the city to check in to an 8-hour day yoga training Saturday followed by another 8-hour day of the same on Sunday and a 2-hour drive home in complete exhaustion. I was actually already sick when I woke up Saturday and the weekend of studying yoga and putting my body in all kinds of advanced poses when I was so run down was a definite struggle but I pushed through. Training weekends always took a lot out of me but I thought I could handle it, even sick apparently. Quitting just wasn't an option.

After this you'd think I'd be at home in bed, right? Nah, not me. I let my partner take one or two of my scheduled classes but I powered through the rest still running the kids all over the country-side and going about my to-dos at half speed. I had a surgery scheduled for the next week that would require me to be down a few days so I didn't have time to be sick now I reasoned.

As the surgery date approached I got my voice back and started to feel like I was getting better so I didn't really consider post-poning it. Everything went fine with it and back home I took it easy.. for the rest of the day. I woke up feeling good so I invited a friend over with her babies. By the time they left that afternoon I was not feeling well at all and chided myself for not having taken a "power nap" before all that I had on my schedule to do that day. It wasn't until I was driving through town that I started contacting the necessary people to cancel everything. When it was discovered that I was running a 104 degree temperature I finally allowed myself to give in and just be sick. 

Of course I thought that meant I could just go to bed. The whirlwind of doctors, needles, tests, and drugs that followed for the next month was nowhere in my imagination. I had ran myself down into Septic Shock and near death and still hadn't figured it out. 

I am not invincible. 

I cannot do it all. 

I am not God.

Pride is dangerous. 

For who/what am I working? I ask myself this now, simply because hindsight is 20/20. Now that I've had to ease back into my life little by little slowly taking back all the responsibilities others had to carry for me in my break down I see how much I've allowed on my plate. I finally feel the weight of all that I've allowed myself to carry. I've started to analyze the risk and the benefit and consider my frailty. 

For the first time in my life I have admitted defeat. I have come face-to-face with my weakness. And it wasn't by choice. I fought against it with all of my being. 

I thought I knew what it was like to come to the end of myself. I thought that having a melt down meant I'd hit rock bottom. I thought disappointing someone or dropping the ball was the worst thing that could happen. I was wrong. 

This has been the most humbling experience of my life. And yet here I am only a couple months later efficient but exhausted once again. Why? What on earth makes us feel like life is about a to-do list? Why are we so driven to achievements and tasks? If I truly believed life was a spiritual journey of sanctification and the world's view is just a kind of a temporary smoke & mirrors then why wouldn't I live like it? 

I cannot let such a massive life experience fade from memory without taking the lessons with me. What should I learn from this? 

To take care of myself. I spread this message with my yoga studio urging others to make this a priority in their lives and yet I do it at the sacrifice of myself. Is that ironic or just plain ignorance? 

To accept my humanity. My desire to be self-sufficient and independent and strong is my PRIDE. Plain and simple - I just need to get over myself already. I'm only human. I can give others grace in this area but not myself. Is this because I think I'm above it or something?

To stop being a people-pleaser. I am not capable of not letting people down sometimes. As much as I want to be everything to everyone (as if I'm so special? so important?) It's okay if someone is upset at me for awhile or if I'm not their favorite - I'll live.

To stop feeling like the world depends on me. Life goes on perfectly well without me. Even the kids can be cared for by others when needed. I don't hold the earth up spinning on my shoulders. Everyone will be fine. Everything will be fine. 

To rely on God and not my own strength. The most glaringly obvious thing I did not do in this whole deal is seek God. I didn't pray for wisdom in making my decisions. I didn't ask God to reveal my limitations and help me see truth. I didn't ask for his strength for what I was facing. I only begged for the pain to stop after I'd screwed everything up and was laying in that hospital bed crying in defeat. 

That false sense of self and my pride and my lack of dependence on God is precisely my problem. I operate that way by default. And Satan knows it. 

So my hope for this year is that God put this to death in me. I hope that this all brings me closer to Him and farther from my sin. I hope that my prayer life be strengthened and my faith deepened. I hope that my empathy and grace will be doubled. I hope that I will be kinder and less critical. I hope that someone sees what I went through and it causes them to pause, to consider. I hope that God will use this for His purpose, for my good and for His Glory. I hope that this will be a year of hope for me - seeking what is good and eternal. I hope that this has opened my eyes. I am praying that it will be so.