just when Satan swoops in

I hate this feeling.. this feeling of restlessness.. I feel overwhelmed with what all I "should" be doing at this very moment.. instead of enjoying every minute of the holiday & the fact that the Firefighter got to take the day off to stay home with us, I'm battling feeling lazy and then guilt from being lazy. We've been discussing what we want to do - sell our house & find a bigger one, build one out on the family land, just buy a lot & build, or start some major rennovations to the house we have, ugh, like we have time for any of that mess!.. when we get to talking about big decisions like that I just want to run & hide. I hate conflict, I hate indecision, I hate wasting my energy on things that might never happen. I'd much rather just feel peace and stay where we're at. I know that there is no growth w/out change so why do I fight it so much? I just want to avoid stressful times is all.. There's just so much to do and I don't know where to begin.. I feel like a failure sometimes because I let it all pile up on me and things seem so much easier for other people.. THEN.. Just when Satan swoops in to steal my joy for the moment by pileing feelings of powerlessness on top of me a thought pops into my head.. at least we have a home.. That's all. Just one thought of thankfulness for the home God has provided us and those other feelings melt away. My sister said "battling self-pity with my sword of thankfulness" and she is so very right. Why let those feelings overwhelm me and steal my joy when I've got a healthy loving husband right here and our two precious children, and we have all day with no obligations just to spend time together in our cozy home. How blessed I am. So many things could be going on right now, I don't even want to begin to think of the hard times we could be dealing with.. and we're not. Everything is fine. So I take a deep breath.....say a little prayer of thanks.... and go cherish each moment I have today with my family... nice try Satan. :)

My words have power.. but this is beyond my control

I've been silent on here since this mess started. I've learned that when you are going thru hard times, this is the time to keep quiet. I heard once that when Jesus was facing trials, He talked less.. and in the worst moments of His life He was silent. He cried out only to God. Since He is our example, I am trying to do the same. I have confided in few trusted souls of my heartache & frustration, but for the most part I'm keeping quiet. After all there is one victim in this story and it's certainly not me! I am merely playing my role in someone else's saga. I must be careful not to make this about me or focus on how hard this has made my life lately. I have to keep perspective. That said, I am aching to write about what I am feeling.. but I must keep it to myself. I am praying for God to give me understanding, wisdom, patience, guidance, discernment.. strength.. and maybe, peace. I know it's all in His hands even if it sometimes feels like it's in mine. I have to let go of my need to "fix" things and just wait for his leading. And so I've been reading some Emily Dickinson poetry as a distraction and have some I want to share..

A word is dead

When it is said,

Some say.

I say it just

Begins to live

That day.

In this short life

That only lasts an hour,

How much, how little,

Is within our power!

I have no words of my own today..

"He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:29,31

Days like today..

The only thing that can be said about days like today is God is still in control. I can't really say that tomorrow will be better because although today was truely hard, tomorrow could always be worse. And things can always be worse. That's disheartening I know, but there are no guarantees of a happy little life just because we are believers. God promised us an eternity in Heaven with Him, but this is a fallen world and we are stuck in it for the time being. SO.. for the time being.. I'm not going to pray that God will take away the difficult things I'm dealing with because I believe they're there for a reason. I'm not going to ask that God give me an easier day tomorrow. Instead I'm praying that God will prepare me to face any challenges that come my way, just as I do every day. By His Grace, He kept me together today. I know He'll never give me more than I can handle and I just have to hold on to that truth.. even when I feel that's being pushed to it's limit.. even on days like today.

Negative Nellys

I was faced with a clear case of Fakeness after posting my last blog. It hit me like a ton of bricks too. I guess fakeness is the word for it. It's more of being critical and judgemental of others, but it's the being sweet to their face part that makes it fake I guess.
I've found that I can't be around negativity for very long or I get sucked into it. I don't mean being there for someone. I mean getting dragged down into misery that loves company. People can get so lost in their problems, the things that are stressing them out, that they don't see the dark cloud of negativity around them. Trust me, I know. I've been there. You see it a lot in teaching really. Someone can lose perspective with all that goes wrong on a regular basis. There's so much we deal with that is beyond our control. It's just rolling with the punches sometimes.
Have you ever known someone who just didn't have a single nice thing to say about anyone? How annoying. Don't you just wonder what they're saying about you as you walk away, lol. It's usually dumb stuff too. It's like they have to criticize just to criticize. Well it really starts to wear on you after awhile. Pretty soon you find yourself discounting anything they have to say. You start blocking it out. It's this -talking behind someone's back- thing that makes them seem so fake. We all "vent" to others sometimes about something someone else did, so maybe we're all fake to some extent. I do have to say it still bothers me though. The one good thing that comes from hearing negative things ALL THE TIME is that it makes me more aware of my own words!
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

as promised.. my chicken salad

I'm not a big cook. I don't pretend to be. But I do know how to make a mean chicken salad sandwich, lol. I got the basic recipe from my mother-in-law who said it is a "to taste" kind of thing with the ingredients. Once I made it and saw how easy it was to just throw things in I was hooked! It's best eaten on a buttery croissant from Wal-Mart & shared with friends. :)

Chicken Salad

chicken breast - cooked, cooled, cubed

apples - chopped

celery - sliced

chopped pecans

big scoops of Miracle Whip & a dash of salt

You Can!

Can you be genuinely happy for another person? Well of course you can. Can you do that and be excited for them & their success without being criticized by others? Maybe. The word "fake" gets tossed around a lot. I used to be one of those people who cringed at so-called "fakeness" or "cheesiness." Now I am just glad that person was "nice." Lol. I've decided that I cannot judge a person's intentions. If they were just being overly nice to butter me up, so be it. I'm not as skeptical as I once was. Maybe that comes from being a teacher. My job requires me to be cheery and smiley on a daily basis whether I feel like it or not. Am I being fake? Or am I just putting on a happy face, letting go of the negative things and focusing on the positive? I'd like to think the latter. No matter what kind of mood I am in, my students deserve me smiling and welcoming them at the door. They deserve a kind word and a hug. They deserve encouragement rather than constant criticism. And even when they don't deserve it, it's my duty to give it to them anyway. After all, for some students, I may be their best hope. It's the ones who seem less deserving of our love & attention that probably need it the most! What do we deserve from God with the way we've acted sometimes? Thank the good Lord above that we don't get what we deserve! Just like we must have grace in parenting, we must have grace with others.
So you're saying it's okay to be "fake" with a child, or as a teacher now, right? Well, I think it applies to everyone in our lives. If you know someone who bothers you with their fake perfectness- can't you see the insecurities in them? Maybe they are just making an effort to be content and thankful in spite of their problems. Maybe they just don't want to open up to you. Not everyone can lay their feelings out for all the world to see.. lol, like myself. I think it's better to appear to be "fake" to someone than to be rude. Why point out their weaknesses or faults? Why not give them grace to change & grow as God sees fit? Why not look for the best in them & help them celebrate that? Why not build people up instead of tearing them down? Be enthusiastic, be kind, be nice, be excited about life.. it's contagious and might just make a difference in someone's life! And if someone wants to criticize you for it or call you "fake" -oh well. Just smile.. because you can.

Hope & a Future

Today I want to share something deeply personal. Some of my faithful readers may now be saying that's nothing new, don't you always talk about things that are deep and personal? Lol. Point taken. But today I'm going to open up the pages of one of my many journals and share my intimate thoughts & prayers. I wish I had written the date on it, but I know for sure it was written in our old house so at the least more than 3-4 years ago. Specifically it is a "Your Best Life Now Journal." (This will not be a debate over the worth or value of Joel Osteen's message or intentions. Frankly I don't care what you may think of him, God spoke to me through watching him on television years ago before I had a church family and that is all the matters at the moment.) What I'd written was a detailed explanation of my heart's desires and my dreams. It was an assignment asking readers to "enlarge their vision" not unlike the Prayer of Jabez really. So the following is my heart poured out on paper several years ago:
My dreams for my life are to have a wonderfully loving Christian family. I want us to live in a nice home with room enough for friends & family. I want to have a career I can be proud of. I want to do something helpful and significant and be paid enough so that we don't have to rely on [my DH's] income alone. I dream of being close to my children & involved in their lives. I also have a dream of living close to [my lil sis] and seeing our kids grow up together. I dream of [my DH] & I growing closer and more in love as the years go by. I envision us sitting together watching our grandkids play in the yard. Finally I dream of finding true friends. I want someone I can be close with, someone I connect with and can really talk to. I want someone I can go do things with, have fun with-someone I can laugh with.
(Now, to put this in context, this was all written BEFORE I became a teacher, before I'd ever even thought about becoming a teacher.. BEFORE my sister moved here.. and well BEFORE I even had met my amazing ladiez.)
I followed the entry with a prayer that said:
Guide me, Lord, so that I always follow your will for me. Take away the negativity and self-doubt. Refresh me with your Spirit and give me a new vision of myself and my life. Help me to shed all the things that hold me back. I want to be and accomplish all that you have planned for me. I step out in faith to believe that I will receive favor in my life - by You, even though I don't deserve it. Thank you for blessing me, Amen.
Then a scripture on the page was circled, it was "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11

I wrote this passage at a lonely time. I was living in a new town where I knew no one but my new family. We were so young & our babies were born so fast. I had just finished getting my degree and had no idea what I was going to do. The Firefighter was not a firefighter yet and was working long hard hours in the oil field. I had no friends, or at least I felt like I didn't. I spent A LOT of time at home with my babies. I longed for relationships. I prayed for companionship. And God gave. Oh, how He gave. God answered my prayers and then some. I asked for one real friendship, He gave me twenty. I asked for a meaningful career and He gave me teaching. I asked for love.. and He overflowed my heart in a way that I cannot even begin to explain.
I'm sharing this today because reading it and thinking of how God answered my prayers, the deepest desires of my heart matching His for me and how He's outdone anything I could conjure up for myself.. made me weep. Openhearted joy came over me as I realized how much He has changed me since then and how much my life has changed because of it. I can smile when faced with hardships because I know He's taking care of me and it is all a part of God's workmanship and him building & molding me to be exactly who He wants me to be. I can share in Christ's sufferings because I get to share in His blessings. I am God's child and He loves me.. and my life, my journey is my proof of that. How can I not share that message of hope with others?

Being a mom is hard sometimes..

In all the commotion of taking pictures & then eating dinner out & renting movies & spending some family time together, I completely forgot about my DD's surprise tooth falling out. That's why I had such a hard time waking up this morning & understanding what my distraught little girl was talking about. I'd been in a deep sleep with an intense dream going on and there she was standing by my bed on a Saturday at not quite 8:00 in the morning. My first thought, of course, was selfishly "so much for sleeping in ONE day a week.." My second thought was why on earth does she need glitter this early in the morning?! And as her words finally hit home, my final thought was "OH NO! I FORGOT ABOUT THE TOOTH FAIRY!"

My sweet & innocent little princess was asking for glitter to put on her letter she'd written to the tooth fairy. She said that she woke up and her tooth was still under her pillow where she'd put it the night before without saying a word to me about it. She said she wanted to ask the tooth fairy if she'd done something wrong. My heart broke at those words and I went to find her some glitter. She'd sprayed the note with her body spray because she thought the tooth fairy would like it to smell good. She put stars on it with tape and had it laying on her pillow. I began my feeble explanations of how the tooth fairy must not have been able to find it in her messy bed with pillows & blankets & crazy hair everywhere. She giggled but didn't look too convinced. We put her tiny tooth in her special tooth fairy pillow and I reassured her that tonight the Tooth Fairy would for sure be able to find it. Then she reminds me that she will be staying the night with a friend following the birthday party. She wants to take the note & her Tooth Fairy pillow with her. Thoughts of her friend's mom hearing this story & reading the heartbreaking letter fill me with dread before I even think of how I'd have to have her take care of the tooth & money situation and I carefully convince Princess that the Tooth Fairy is probably disapointed that she couldn't find the tooth and will come back to our house tonight looking for it. So now she is in her room, cleaning up, making her bed and positioning her letter & special pillow at the top so that it can't be missed. I guess this will be a funny story someday, but right now I just feel guilt. GUILT. GUILT deep in the pit of my stomache. How can I be so self absorbed sometimes? To some it's just a tooth, but it's not "just a tooth" to her. To her it's everything right now. I hope I can fix this and let go of the guilt. It's certainly not the first time I've messed up as a mom, no one is perfect, I know. But just look at this precious letter and tell me how to not to feel guilty!

Friday the 13th

When I set up our family pictures for a Friday it seemed the logical choice. Friday is the ONLY day we don't have something going on thanks to karate, dance & wrestling practices for the kids. When I wrote it down I kinda noticed it was Friday the 13th but didn't really pay much attention. When today rolled around I'd forgotten completely about the date. Even when I did calendar with my class I didn't really notice the date. I didn't think of it when I'd blown across town after school hitting every red light, getting stuck behind one slow moving semi after another, and being wedged between a huge trailer and a big truck.. I didn't think of it when I got home to find my son still in the shower when my daughter needed to be getting in as soon as we got there. I didn't think of it when I dropped my rather expensive powdery mineral makeup all over the bathroom sink and OF COURSE all over my sweater I'd just changed into so I wouldn't get makeup on it by pulling it on, lol. In fact, the thought didn't even occur to me until we were just about to leave, by some miracle, barely able to make it on time and my daughter suddenly LOST A TOOTH! Yes, it was at that moment when I'm looking at her with blood all over the place and a shocked look on her face that the date flashed thru my head... duh duh duh.. duh.. IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH! After getting her cleaned up and literally running to the door yelling at my DH to please get off the playstation & join the kids in the car, we took off across town (once again) to meet the photographer. Frantic, frazzled, stressed, and as always so tired, I put my best smile on my face and tried to think happy thoughts. Even though our beautiful little girl had an overly cheesy now-toothless grin and we had to fight our son to put the sticks, leaves, bark, pine cones, rocks, flag, sticky tac and pocket knife down long enough to snap a shot here & there, I think they'll turn out good. As my DH lectured me about how much all this is gonna cost I thought to myself, I will always remember this day. :)

My bestie of 10 years

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY SABRINA ANN!!!!

My husband - the BLACK BELT!

Why would we want to eat TRASH?

"A wise person is hungry for truth, while the fool feeds on trash." Proverbs 15:14

Wow. That just really puts it out there doesn't it. I got that verse from Rick Warren's twitter post this morning & it just jumped off the screen to me. What do I feed on? What is my daily intake? Television, internet, movies, music, all of it. I could definately call most of television today - TRASH! I watch my fair share of my favorite programs, so I would say this is my weakest area. Most importantly, what spiritual intake do I have. Once a week, an hour of church on Sunday morning? Like that's enough? I really believe INTAKE=OUTAKE & Trash In-Trash Out. In other words, these influences in our lives influence us! We should be hungry for truth. What is truth? THE WORD OF GOD! We are basically sitting around eating a greesy cheeseburger made by some kid who probably doesn't wash his hands very often when God has offered us a fat juicy steak, untouched, cooked perfectly and ready to eat! Instead of what we really need, we're taking in JUNK! And what is the result of filling yourself with junk all the time? Exactly.. being full of it! Lol.

what plans?

Seems nothing has gone the way I'd planned these past few weeks. Whatever I said I was gonna do, I ended up doing the opposite. I hate that. I'm really not a big planner, but if I say I'm going to do something then I'm going to do it. I don't like being made into a liar. But life has had it's own ideas lately and I've felt like I'm just along for the ride. Not that I ever actually have control. God is the one in control of course, but sometimes I can get to feeling like I have some sense of control over my life. Maybe that's why things start to fall apart at that time - so that I'll be reminded to depend on Him & not my plans. Sometimes I have to be knocked down to get back on my knees where I belong.
That said, I've been disapointed with myself as a wife & mom. I feel like I should be doing better at taking care of my home, staying on top of things, being in control of my household. So much of me goes into my classroom everyday that it's like I take whatever is left home to my family and try to make that work. So many times I've wondered if I've left my brain on my desk at school. I get so frustrated with myself. Why can't I just do everything & be everything to everyone? I want to. Sometimes I even feel like I should, but I know that's silly. I feel so pulled in different directions and like I blurted out yesterday to no one in particular "I can't do 18 things all at once!" What a day that was. It was Halloween and I was trying to make it special for my kids. But I needed to clean the house & so we were running late & so it didn't turn out so good & then we carved pumpkins which my DH said was like putting up lights on Christmas day & I'd invited my students to trick-or-treat at our house so we couldn't go anywhere, though I'm sure I missed someone since we were late getting back to our house after taking the kids downtown.. it seemed no matter what I tried to do it was gonna backfire on me and I didn't even take one stinkin picture. What kind of a mom forgets to take pictures of the kids on Halloween? Now looking at the upcoming holidays I already feel doomed to failure. I can't even keep up with the day to day, how am I supposed to handle the extra tasks of the holidays? I guess I just need to let go of my expectations & my self-critical nature and just watch to see what God has planned. He does a much better job than I do anyway.

Sisters

There comes a time when you stop being just friends & become sisters.

I remember reading this quote & thinking how much I wanted that. I wanted friends that I spent every moment with, attached at the hip, knew everything about them & they knew everything about me. I thought that's what that quote meant..

Now I've come to realize, through personal experience, what becoming family with former strangers really means. It's an unconditional love thing. It's not a time thing. It doesn't mean that you get to see each other everyday because life just doesn't work that way. It doesn't mean that you have to know everything that goes on in each other's lives either. It's simply that this girl is your sister- you would do anything in the world for her, and no matter what she says or does, you love her just the same. That's the thing about families - they can hurt you more than the average person can because you've opened yourself up to them, become vulnerable. They can point out a flaw or something you're insecure about & it feels devestating to you because you desire their approval more than others. Likewise, family can drive you more crazy than a "friend" can. Their little quirks or shortcomings can grate on your nerves sometimes for sure.

Becoming a family means letting go of the fear of rejection. You find it easy to just be yourself, let your guard down, relax & simply enjoy each other's company. These people can build you up or tear you down by just their words & actions. It can be kind of scary, to let people in like that, to open yourself up to pain. People in general can be self absorbed, selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate, jealous, petty.. even those amazing people you adore have a little of those qualities in them and the more time that goes by, the more chances of you seeing those things come out in them. It can be so hurtful when a person who's supposed to love you unconditionally criticizes you or treats you carelessly. I've often heard, we hurt the ones we love. How sad, but true. The only way to not get hurt is to close yourself off completely.

I don't know when these girls became like sisters to me. It's been a few years now of birthday parties, holidays, lunches, play-dates, baby showers, celebrations, laughter & tears.. and tons of picture taking, lol. But I've come to appreciate our differences as well as our likenesses. I've come to enjoy their successes as much as I do my own. I've come to feel their pain as deep as if it were mine.

Love comes in gradually in different size pieces and there is no end to it. You start to see someone as an important part of who you are, where you are. You know losing them would be too painful to bear and so you start to hold them closer, more tightly and you start sacrificing other things like your time, energy, other relationships. Then the comfort comes in. The feeling of peace when you realize they aren't going anywhere. You've hurt them, they've hurt you, but you both stayed. That's when you become family - when you become comfortable.

Your sisters are the ones who see the best (and worst) IN you but always point out the good TO you. They will compliment you when you're picking yourself apart. They will show up early to your kid's birthday party just to help you get things ready & tell you to quit stressin. They will laugh at the fact that you're always late & always forgetting things instead of getting mad about it. They will never point out that your house is always a mess and call you supermom for any attempts at making things special for your kids. Most of all, they will love you no matter how much of a mess you are. I thank God for blessing me in this way. I know I would not be the same without my girls. I would be less and my life would be less. They make me feel like I can accomplish anything. They are my cheerleaders, my fans, but most of all.. they are my family.