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Doubt

I find myself battling doubts more than I ever have now. It feels strange to be questioning things in my mind that I've known my whole life as truth while my heart is more overtaken than ever before. I guess it is easier to claim belief while running about living your own life than it is to rest in that belief when you've actually handed your life over and given up the reins. Just like you can say you trust the rope but you can't really prove it until you've bailed off the cliff.
Now I have a rushing feeling that bounces between exhilaration & fear and I am clinging to my driver, holding onto that rope with all my might. I remind myself this too is by His design. Now I see verses such as 2 Timothy 1:7 differently.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 
I no longer think of my social anxiety when I read this. Fear isn't defined in terms of "will people like me" anymore. I now think of the doubts and fears that the Enemy stirs up in me to make me second guess. I think of Eternity and separation from God and falling away and my sin. I truly only fear not feeling the way I do now and losing the closeness in my relationship with my Lord. It all makes my previous existence feel so shallow to me. 
I suppose it to be like when someone goes through an illness, a death, a trauma - a loss of some kind and now looks at their previous concerns as frivilous wasted energy. It reminds me of the memes that say "all I want for Christmas is a cure for cancer." It also makes me see how powerful our desires can feel to us in one moment.. that is, until we find ourselves wanting so much more.
It reminds me of C. S. Lewis in Weight of Glory.
  "It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
I am not so easily pleased. I want more. SO much more. And what I want is so much bigger than me. 
I cannot be content with my happiness when what I want is joy. I will not be satisfied by worldly riches when what I seek is Heaven. I cannot be appeased with achievements, attention, likes or accolades when I'm seeking God's Glory. 
So when my mind starts playing tricks on me and has me questioning I remind myself that there is no good for me apart from God. (Psalms 16:2) I will not ever be satisfied by a lesser existence than living for Christ. Living for myself will only make me miserable. I am not a good god to myself! Once you've seen the best you won't be content with less. Once you've seen the Glory of the Lord you can't be happy glorifying anything else. So I forsake myself for the sake of myself. (Thank you, JR Vassar) And even more than that, I do it for the Supreme God of the universe who loved me enough to save me from myself in the first place. 
"For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:36

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