The Heart

With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! 

Psalms 119:10

I used to read verses like this and deep down question myself. Not knowing how exactly to "seek with my whole heart" I would think it must mean I should pray more and read my Bible more. I would look for what I could DO to make this be true of me. My intentions were good, I just didn't understand. 

My problem wasn't for lack of effort really, besides the fact that I only gave God maybe 2% of my time in the grand scheme of things. But I was earnest in my efforts. What was missing was my heart. I knew in my mind the truth and I knew I wanted to follow God's Word. I knew right from wrong and good from evil. So I thought. 

When God took ahold of my heart and called it I found out how little I KNEW anything at all. My heart bent to His Will and I surrendered. This is when I began to seek Him with all my heart. Now I find my efforts simply following my desires. Same as before, I do what I want to do. We all do honestly. The difference is I want something else now. I seek after what I truly want. THE LORD. I have lost interest in this world and have to force myself to put my Bible down the way I used to have to force myself off of Facebook or away from Grey's Anatomy. Jesus has replaced everything else in my life! 

This is obviously NOT something I could have done for myself. I could not have disciplined myself enough to change what I really wanted no matter how hard I've tried to deny my emotions, feelings & reactions. The only thing required of me was to stop trying. I had to SEE that I could not change my heart myself. I had to SURRENDER my life, my control, my self, my will over to God. 100% of it. And even this I didn't do in my own efforts. God led me here. He orchestrated every event that finally broke down my stubborn pride. He quieted my mind over time. He romanced me with His beauty. He brought truth-tellers into my path. He softened my heart and put it in a posture of repentance. He did all of this with my mind scurrying along behind trying desperately to keep up! 

One thing I see in this is that God doesn't work the way we do. He loves to do things differently than we expect. He loves to surprise us. He takes an intellectual, wordy, nerdy girl who leads with her head believing in instinct over the foolish heart and grabs hold of that foolish heart squeezing it just so much as to make her cry out and feel the release of it's walls crashing down in a moment. And when her fear and horror peak He soothes her troubled soul giving her just what she's sought after her whole life. 

I have found the source of all truth and depth and light and peace. I will drink at this well growing more thirsty and yet more satisfied for the rest of my life.