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Testing..

It's a time of testing. I wish I'd have known that 2 weeks ago when it first began. I feel like maybe if I'd have been more prepared?.. but no, we never know when we will be under attack. We are supposed to be guarded and armed with the Word of God at all times for a reason.
I find myself wondering how I've done in the big scheme of things. I feel as if just surviving was quite the accomplishment but I don't know how much actual truth is in that. The truth is probably more like I could've handled a few things better. I could've been more Christ-like I'm certain. I think my problem lies in the fact that I rely too much on myself instead of falling at the foot of the cross and accepting that I can do NOTHING without Him. Clearly God is showing me that I am stubborn and it takes a lot to bring me to my knees in complete surrender.
Why do I think 'getting by' is enough? In the middle of a complete break down I became aware that I was under attack on all fronts. I was completely surrounded so to speak. I'd fought off emotions and tried to appear "normal" throughout the miserable moments as if pretending would make it all go away. Without too much detail about the people & confrontations involved, I can see now how my defenses were weakened.
For one, I've been in physical pain. My tmj hasn't been too bad besides the headaches but I have a rib out that makes it difficult to take deep breaths. No matter what my chiropractor has tried, it refuses to give. Secondly, there was a complete communication breakdown that prevented me from being comforted by the person I turn to for everything. Messages &  phone calls were never received.. and only from that one person. Strange coincidence? When we were finally able to talk in person, Satan seized the moment to say the least.
I have also dealt with a lot of petty drama which caused quite the distraction. And of course my anxiety has been off the charts. It is usually something I can manage but it has overtaken me. With my mind reeling and my heart hurting I have stumbled and fought thru one of those times when nothing seems to be going right.
I'm so thankful for dear friends who've prayed for me, spoke truth into my life, encouraged me, and just been there beside me while I cried it out. I've been so self-absorbed and haven't been a good friend lately I know.
I can't confidently say that things are going to get back to normal now, for all I know it may be just the beginning, but I am feeling real peace for the first time since this started. I know that my Heavenly Father knows what's best for me and that my comfort in the moment is not always what's best. I feel safe in His loving arms and under His protection. I will keep praying for HIS WILL over all and have Faith that I'm on the right path. If not, He will redirect me I know.

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