Skip to main content

Testing..

It's a time of testing. I wish I'd have known that 2 weeks ago when it first began. I feel like maybe if I'd have been more prepared?.. but no, we never know when we will be under attack. We are supposed to be guarded and armed with the Word of God at all times for a reason.
I find myself wondering how I've done in the big scheme of things. I feel as if just surviving was quite the accomplishment but I don't know how much actual truth is in that. The truth is probably more like I could've handled a few things better. I could've been more Christ-like I'm certain. I think my problem lies in the fact that I rely too much on myself instead of falling at the foot of the cross and accepting that I can do NOTHING without Him. Clearly God is showing me that I am stubborn and it takes a lot to bring me to my knees in complete surrender.
Why do I think 'getting by' is enough? In the middle of a complete break down I became aware that I was under attack on all fronts. I was completely surrounded so to speak. I'd fought off emotions and tried to appear "normal" throughout the miserable moments as if pretending would make it all go away. Without too much detail about the people & confrontations involved, I can see now how my defenses were weakened.
For one, I've been in physical pain. My tmj hasn't been too bad besides the headaches but I have a rib out that makes it difficult to take deep breaths. No matter what my chiropractor has tried, it refuses to give. Secondly, there was a complete communication breakdown that prevented me from being comforted by the person I turn to for everything. Messages &  phone calls were never received.. and only from that one person. Strange coincidence? When we were finally able to talk in person, Satan seized the moment to say the least.
I have also dealt with a lot of petty drama which caused quite the distraction. And of course my anxiety has been off the charts. It is usually something I can manage but it has overtaken me. With my mind reeling and my heart hurting I have stumbled and fought thru one of those times when nothing seems to be going right.
I'm so thankful for dear friends who've prayed for me, spoke truth into my life, encouraged me, and just been there beside me while I cried it out. I've been so self-absorbed and haven't been a good friend lately I know.
I can't confidently say that things are going to get back to normal now, for all I know it may be just the beginning, but I am feeling real peace for the first time since this started. I know that my Heavenly Father knows what's best for me and that my comfort in the moment is not always what's best. I feel safe in His loving arms and under His protection. I will keep praying for HIS WILL over all and have Faith that I'm on the right path. If not, He will redirect me I know.

Photobucket

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

And everything has changed

I find it so hard to put this into words because it's so big, but I can try to sum it up by saying The Unedited Retreat pricked my heart & put me in a posture to truly hear from the Lord. And I am so grateful. My testimony begins last year at Pine Cove Family Camp when a verse struck me, hard. - Gal 2:20. Not that I hadn't heard it before but that maybe I felt it deeper. 
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭2:20‬ ‭ESV‬‬ http://bible.com/59/gal.2.20.esv
No life of my own? Had I really been living that way? Complete surrender? I started "trying harder" after that.

I attended another Unedited Movement event in the fall with my eternity-friends. 😊 I came home & begged Mike to go with me to visit our Pastor. By God's grace my heart was dug up from where it had been buried under a moun…

The Chapter I Would've Chosen to Skip

Looking back on 2017 I find that the month of October just doesn't fit. It's in it's own category. It doesn't fit into my life..and maybe that's the point.
I started PT this week and had to start from the beginning and tell the whole story. So I thought I'd document it before I forget the details, before I lose the story.
On October 3rd I had a pretty minor procedure done in outpatient surgery. The next day back home and rested I was feeling great. Friends visited and I was sure I would be recovered in no time. That afternoon I loaded my kids up in the car commenting on how wore out and achy I felt and thinking I've overdone it and probably should've taken a nap. By the time I got to town dropping one kid off and headed to my next location I began to feel like my skin was burning and I was struggling to drive. I got to our gym and lay down in the lounge. I was shaking and crying and curled up in a ball by this point. My husband came and said he was taki…

The Problem is..

Every problem is rooted in sin.The problem actually IS sin. Whether it’s their sin, your sin, it’s all sin and it’s at the foundation of every conflict, hurt feeling, misunderstanding, and unloving act. Sin is our problem. It’s your problem.
Do you feel something in you that wants to flee right now? What if I said this to your face? Would you receive it?
It is in our nature to fight against it. We seem to want to point fingers, blame circumstances..it’s not us, it’s them. We have no sin, right? Of course not. Most people will admit that they are a sinner, but they will not own up to their actual sins. Instead we justify it, make light of it, try to explain it away. We call it a short-coming or maybe just a mistake. And everyone makes mistakes.
Why are we so adamant to deny our sin? Satan is the Father of lies
I just listened to a John Bevere video clip explaining that Hell was created for Satan not for man. It was a place for him & his angels. So he is out to deceive and mislead as…